University Vampires have announced their fall blood drive, which is to take place on Friday, November 14, in the student center.

“Eeet is a great opporunity for me to suck your blauuuud!” claimed Marke D. Neck , ’11, a member of UV, and then proceeded to turn the color of a tomato. “Of course I am kidding,” he said, adding that all blood would be collected with “very safe, new and clean needles, which we ordered online.”

UV president, Coun T.D. Racula, ’09, said the idea for a blood drive arose at a recent club meeting. “We were discussing fund raising plans for our Intercession trip to Transylvaaania, and someone presented this idea, which is beneficial to less fortunate people with diseases, and it’s charitable.” He drawled, oozing a little, “We all thought it was a delicious idea. Hah hah hah!” Donating blood will cost ten dollars per student, and five for freshmen, “whose young, thick blood is just so preeeecious to us, I mean charity!” Racula said.

The club plans to donate all of the collected blood to a “charitable instition,” although they haven’t picked it yet. “During these turbulent times of war,” Minnie Fang, ’12, wrote in an email, “it is important that we support the troops. So we are thinking of donating the blood to Iraq.” Veine Ater, ’10, an exchange student from France, corrected Fang’s comments via email: “We aren’t donating the blood to the Iraqi soldiers, we’re donating it to the people of Iraq, especially sick ones who don’t have access to good blood. We are very humanitaaaaaarian!”

University Vampires stirred up controversy last semester when they were accused of practicing dangerous hazing of new members, including the sucking of blood. The bitchy University President claimed in this paper at the time, “They had to be reined in. The sucking of blood is dangerous, especially when vampires are involved!”

What do the Vampires plan to do in Transylvania? “More charity fundraaaaisers, of course!” said Fang. “Many, many more.”