Dear Charlie,
Are they pretty serious about this thesis thing here or is it chill?

Sincerely,
Suspiciously Chill Dude

Dear Suspiciously Chill Dude,
Word on the Street is that it’s kind of a big deal. I’m not quite sure who “they” are but I know Woodrow Wilson said it’s pretty important. More specifically he said, “Every student shall do a thesis or write my fourteen points.” If you want more details you should probably go to his office hours or something. I know you get to take fewer classes when you have a “thesis,” so I guess in that regard, it’s pretty chill. I’m getting a vibe that says you’re a pretty chill dude, so I wouldn’t worry about it too much, not that you would, because, as we’ve established, you’re a chill dude. Though, you can always PDF it or go to McGraw. Maybe just jot down a few notes over spring break, then head to McGraw a week before the paper (“thesis” but I prefer not to buy into the jargon (and you shouldn’t either)) is due. They’ll get you something pretty solid. Now this is the serious part dude so listen up. After you pick up your story from McGraw, you’re supposed to print it out and take a picture with it,so absolutely do that. For sure do that. Prof it too. Be sure to prof it. Woodrow Wilson hates it when you don’t prof it.

You’re welcome!

Your Frosh,
Charlie

Dear Charlie,
How do I balance my academic life with my love life? How do I balance my love life with my platonic life? How do I balance my external life with my internal life? How do I balance my life with my life?

Sincerely,
Buzzkill

Dear Buzzkill,

Chill. I had to read that like five times and I still don’t even know what you’re asking. Just chill out and have fun. It’s your senior year: SKA (SKA= Seniors Kick Ass, in case you are a scrub, which you probably are considering you used the word “platonic”). When in doubt, SKA. Always. On a serious note, you should do some yoga. I hear that is all about balance. Scot Tasker ’16 has a great class. Considering that class is only on Saturdays here’s a list of things you should do in the meantime:

1) Go to Firestone and bang your keyboard really loudly and occasionally sigh and move around—they’ll never know you’re not productive. I mean, do people actually type that much and make that noise? They’re all phonies. Join the crowd. Fake it to make it baby 😉 at least that’s how I got through midterms.

2) Drink a glass of milk—you shouldn’t ever be afraid to revert a little. You know when your boy gets stressed you bet I’m hitting that 2% and heating it up. Go for the fetal position if the mood strikes. Haters gonna hate so just do you.

3) Sit in a robe and smoke a pipe as you contemplatively stroke your chin—it’s classy as hell and you’ll feel smarter. Simple as that.

4) Walk to Forbes—that should be enough time to figure out your life.

5) Run up the steps to Blair Arch in an all grey sweats outfit. How else are you going to go twelve rounds with your thesis? P.S. Extra points/sweat if you pump your fists in the air and/or chase a chicken after.

6) Yell “Boogoo Boogoo” in your smallest class every five minutes—no better way to relieve some stress than scaring the shit out of your seminar.

8) Eat an entire jar of mayonnaise and pickles—Michael Scott did it, and he’s famous, so why wouldn’t you do it?

Do any of those and that should be enough to hold you over till yoga.

Your Frosh,
Charlie

Dear Charlie,

Is the thesis basically just the same as the R3?

Sincerely,
Senior Stuck in Seminar

Dear Senior Stuck in Seminar,

So, I’m still not totally sure what the R3 involves. I know it has some research or something. I haven’t actually gotten to the R3 yet. Surprise! I’m just taking it one day at a time. My writing sem professor is telling me no. But my body is telling me yes.

Your Frosh,

Charlie

Dear Charlie,

When is sex with your advisor acceptable? What if I told you that my advisor is Robbie George?

Sincerely,
Thirsty Academic

Dear Thirsty Academic,

After a fairly thorough google search of “Robbie George,” I’ve got to say I don’t blame you for your question. Who could ever resist those glasses and that sexy jawline, all accented by misty gray hair? Aside from the splendid pictures, I found out he’s a pretty swell guy. Just talk to him about philosophy of law or Jesus—something in that category—Wikipedia says he’s pretty into those things. Sounds kinky to me. Maybe he should be teaching that writing seminar on fetishism if you know what I mean. Though I guess if you actively want to have sex with Robbie George, you’re probably into some pretty weird shit and don’t need anymore fetishes.

As for any other advisor (just in case you other seniors were wondering) I have a pretty solid rule of thumb—if they tell you to write a new draft, they’re dtf. At least, that’s what worked in middle school. Just trust me on this one

I get that after four years, you are sick of each other, so I hope you make sex with your respective advisors or any advisor at all. Just have sex. The sky is the limit, keep flying sport.

Your Frosh,
Charlie

Dear Charlie,

How should I allocate time spent on my thesis vs. time spent masturbating?

Sincerely,
Organized Orgasm Seeker

Dear Organized Orgasm Seeker,

Masturbating is definitely cool. If you really want a solid schedule, I would say the classic 75/25 time split is a good ratio. So, for like every three hours you spend masturbating, you should spend one hour working on your thesis. That math took me a while but you’ve probably/hopefully already met your QR requirement. Then again, if you’re masturbating for three quarters of your day every day, you can’t be that productive. Trust me on this one. Just trust me. Please.

Jerk it to work it, baby.

Your Frosh,
Charlie