“Who wants to play Uno?” “Who’s tryna run up some Cards Against Humanity?” 

*crashhjsakhdsdsjdasks*

(That is the sound of me throwing those games out the nearest window)

Tonight, we’re playing a real card game. Let me introduce y’all to Taco Cat Goat Cheese Pizza.

The rules are simple. The entire deck is dealt out until everyone has an equal number of cards. Then, people go around placing down the top card in their hand to create a collective pile–  the goal of the game is to get rid of all the cards in your hand. As the cards are placed, players chant out the name of the game. “Taco!”, place a card; “Cat!” place a card; and so on and so forth. If the card placed down matches the object chanted- say, a cheese card placed as the player says “cheese”- then everyone has to slap the deck as fast as they can. The last person to slap the deck picks up all of the cards in the shared pile, and then the game continues. 

For those of you who have been scarred by prior experiences with fast-paced card slapping games I understand your pain. In fact, I am one of you. These sorts of games are often either so simplistic that they become boring after one round, or so mind-bendingly complicated that you’ll spend half the game trying to remember when you’re supposed to slap. Thankfully, Taco Cat Goat Cheese Pizza has a delicious little twist that eliminates both of these pitfalls. Along with the normal Taco, Cat, Goat, Cheese and Pizza cards, there are also “animal” cards in the deck which, when placed, force everyone to mimic the actions of the animal and then slap the pile. For example, if the Narwhal card is played, everyone has to clap their hands over their head to make a Narwhal horn and then slap the pile. This may sound simple enough, but trust me, you get eight people in a circle trying to do Narwhal or Groundhog or Gorilla and the result is a magical breed of chaos.

Taco Cat Goat Cheese Pizza is also notable for the fact that it is a slapping game that is far less skill-based than most other card games. Since TCGCP punishes the slowest slapper rather than rewarding the fastest slapper, games are never hijacked by that one friend who auto-wins because they have an insane reaction time and will always slap first. Instead, TCGCP games revolve around looking at a pile of frantically-thrown hands and deciphering who was actually the last person to slap. “My palm was on top but my one knuckle is below your hand.” “My hand was on the side of the pile but look, my pinky finger is actually on the bottom!” The excuses, the “hear me out”’s, and the “um actually”’s are inevitable, always funny, and hopefully not so abundant or dramatic that they end friendships. Just kidding…

A final, crucial note about TCGCP is that it must never, under any circumstances be the game that begins your game night. No, TCGCP is a game that thrives on delirium. Don’t even mention TCGCP to your friends until you’ve played your other games- your Catan, your Codenames, your Secret Hitler. The moment everyone starts getting a little tired, the moment your friends start saying goofy things they normally wouldn’t say; that’s when you whip out the TCGCP. Be prepared, especially if you’re playing late at night, this game is quintessential “one more round” material. One round only lasts about fifteen minutes, but do not(!) be surprised if you start playing, and suddenly go to check your phone only to realize that it’s 2am and you have a 9 o’clock precept tomorrow morning. But hey, ten years from now what are you going to remember? The grade you got on your PSET, or the core memories created by imitating narwhals and making all your hallmates think you’re desperately hungry (TACO, GOAT CHEESE, PIZZAAAA) or else lost your pet (CAT?! GOAT?!).

I implore you to tap into some Taco Cat Goat Cheese Pizza. You won’t be disappointed.