- Jewish or Jewish-adjacent men
- Gay Elvis impersonators
- Male architects who look good in dark green
- Girls that are like explosions / bombs / earthquakes
- Big buff strong man like Popeye
- The “girl” I built in my lab
- Someone who lets me bite them and bites me back
- Line cooks
- Narcissist, stalkers, pathological liars
- The homoromantic Tin Man and Scarecrow in the most recent broadway revival of The Wiz
- The few, the truly elegant. Big bazonkas though
- Vasectomized men
- AB negative
- The Barefoot Contessa
- Individuals with broken and unfixable spirits
- Man with pockets
- Man with deep pockets
- Men who have nightmares about their mothers
- Guys that get it
- Guys that have border-line incestuous relationships with their sisters
- I am obsessed with the TYPE OF PERSON WHO CAN LOVE WITHOUT FEAR like actually if you love tf out of your friends and partners you are literally MY BEST FRIEND. Everyone is so fucking fake these days. I’m all about true love
- Bruh girls
- Who even knows at this point
- When hairy meets silly
- Finance bros who keep me in a situationship for eight years and end up marrying a Catholic-school slut
- Catholic school sluts
- Obviously Dua Lipa
- Girls who look like they can do manual labor
- Guys who wear hooters costumes on halloween
- Zayn Malik but 6ft
- Men whose legs are alabaster columns, set on bases of gold
- Bone structure from the gods
- Conjoined twins
- The good people of Butler County, Pennsylvania
- The wonderful souls of Bucks County, PA
- Dilfs
- Friends, romans, countrymen
- That one specific security guard at the Firestone entry desk. If you know, you know
- Mother figures
- Irish
- Men with bad teeth
- Guys who call Halloween gay
- Daily show hosts
- Guys in suits who’ve yelled at me in debate rounds
- A godly woman
- 1,412 liked songs, no playlists
- Ornithologists
- Old enough to repaint, young enough to sell
- Girls with dragon tattoos
- Extremely tall and a little stupid
- Golden retriever or german shepherd
- Joe Biden
- Hunter Biden
- Bald
- I like a big ass dick. Guilty!
- FUPA
- Rower guys but then I tried out rowing and it really ruined things for me
- Rower guys but then I tried out rower guys and it really ruined things for me
- Being honest, J.D. Vance
- Those shirtless Amish guys who fixed my parents’ roof
- The strong, silent type
- The weak, loud type
- Professors who put face pics as their Grindr profile
- Eddie Redmayne
- Ken Bone
- Lady mafia boss
- A man who will dip his fingers inside me searching for honey that will not come for him
- I think I’m asexual
- Deep thinkers (article readers and video essayists)
- Will pay for the date with paw points
- Men who will restate my ideas but louder for me in precept
- Men who will say something quietly so I can restate their ideas but louder in precept
- Tender people who can cook and clean
- Tim Curry
- Nuns
- Cartoonishly thick eyebrows
- Beautiful, evil spell casting women
- Traditional, silent men
- My TA
- Not you, bitch
- Buffoons, clowns, and court jesters. Twinkly appendages and harlequin fits a MUST
- Girls who talk like they’ve taken lots of philosophy classes
- Girls who just want a regular coffee. Those white-girl pumpkin spice lattes annoy me
- The main character in Eraserhead, or men who like to explain the whole plot of Eraserhead
- Uzbek dandy
- The Wright Brothers
- Mary Antoinette
- Queer elders
- Girls with good elbows. Preferably with light eczema. Small red bumps. I hope she doesn’t pick at them. Dry skin near the eczema. No flaking. No lotion for the eczema. Dry. Cracking, perhaps. Pointy. Bony. If the bumps are too big I don’t like it. Small red bumps
- Ceramists
- Ventriloquists who make a living off of it
- Someone with nothing to lose
- Attached earlobes
- Can’t tell what he wants from me
- RNC lawyers wearing underwear that says “TOO BIG TO RIG” on the ass
- My table’s waitress from an Italian restaurant one year and five months ago
- Feral
- Cameltoe
- Veterans
- Senators named Elizabeth