Dear Lecherous Lecturer Precious Professor,
Happy winter. I heard you’re in Vail? Hope the slopes are not destroying your knees.
I’m reeling from the news that you gave a D to my son Robert “Torie” George Junior (I abstain from putting pronouns, because obviously). I know that Torie always speaks his mind, his heartfelt opinions. He’s a good kid. As Bo always says, he’s “been as straight as a ramp if you don’t count Bible camp.” And Bible camp has been transformative for him, teaching him how to bare his opinions openly. His second favorite book, after the Bible, is Doctor Professor Lord Keith Whittington’s Speak Freely. His third favorite book—because he has read more than two books—is The Subtle Art of Not Getting Poned or Stoned, by yours truly. You can see as well as I do that he is not only morally straight as an arrow, but also a well-read dapper intellectual.
When Torie decided to take GSS 112 / ENV 302, “Fishing with Queer Bait: An Oceanic Exploration of Reproductive Homonormativity,” he did so with the intention of expressing his controversial opinions and scoring cheap points against his lib classmates on Twitter. This “course” should have been a breeze for him, which he’s used to, because he doesn’t wear pants (he prefers the manly kilt, which we both know is distinct from the skirt). However, a sensitive snowflake classmate recently castrated his Tweet about “swallowing [one’s pride] when pounding endangered oceanic species [to death]” (my additions are for clarity only). The student posted on the class Canvas discussion board, “I don’t know if I quite agree with your opinion here,” and with this single line, Torie’s right to free speech was endangered. Shouldn’t students be able to escape this kind of teasing, through positive spaces and safe words (or whatever that lib talking point is)?
I acknowledge that the only work that Torie did for this class was the very creative writing assignment in which he skillfully imagined himself as a homonormative hammerhead shark who engaged in inter-species mating rituals with a deep-sea diver, a masterpiece which displays the girth of Torie’s empathy for those who are different from himself. However, he should have gotten an A for his self-evident intellectual superiority, not to mention his out-of-the-closet Tweets, which should count as his coursework, such as this gem: “D is for dance, just gotta D, come with your D, and tour the Torie.” Even in the face of railing cancellation, Torie bares his firm resilience, poetic impulses, and conservative passion, giving heads-up to the libs that he is not to be stripped—of his dignity, or anything else. After all, this kind of GPA could jeopardize his chances of finding a wife!
Though he may not always seem it, Torie strives to be on top, and he gets plenty of Ds already. So be as open-minded as Torie, and be willing to switch his D.
Send love to the wife and the snowflakes.
Signed,
Trustee Parent-Donor (Poner)