Nothing Cold Can Stay

February 28, 2015

Coming Out to Christ

I am sixteen years old and sitting in a church pew and I am committing an act of defiance.

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Portraits of Exploitation

Their faces were painted in hurried brushstrokes, slightly off-color, and without many identifying characteristics.

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During Fire Drills

my teachers wore the same face they did

on 9/11.

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Jon Stewart

Five years ago, my father stopped reading and started watching MSNBC, whose keening pundits now bestow constant background radiation unto our crowded living room.

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Tongues And Roses

When, on February 9, the New York Post announced that Miley Cyrus had submitted a short film to the first-ever New York Porn Festival, countless gossip blogs rushed to report on Cyrus’ final descent into vulgarity.

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Forefather

The morning after my brother climbs in my bed & spends the whole night with his face in his hands, I go to the art museum.

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A Game of Destruction

Last week the Sprengel Museum in Hanover announced that Pierre Huyghe had won the 2015 Kurt Schwitters prize.

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Our Relationship With Chocolate

My past several months on Princeton’s campus have been defined by chocolate. During the week leading up to Dean’s Date I may have personally made the C-Store run out of chocolate covered peanuts.

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Yeezus Fever

Is Kanye West Jesus, a genius, or just a jackass? The rapper-turned-fashion designer-turned entrepreneur has a singular talent for polarizing popular opinion, which seems incapable of finding any sort of middle ground between idolatry and loathing.

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Verbatim

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Overheard in Ivy

Zete sophomore: Life is just about being taken advantage of.

Overheard in Patton

AEPi senior, confused: Is 50 Shades of Grey starring Drake?

Overheard in AAS Reading Room

Press Club member: This is the best place to masturbate in Firestone.

Overheard in Terrace

Member of Literati: Were you born into your speaking voice or did you cultivate it?

Overheard in EEB 311

Professor: Being able to vomit well is a life skill.

Overheard near Frist

Women’s track team member: I didn’t know you could hold in a fart until, like, last year.

Overheard in Teresa Café

Granddaughter: I’m taking a class about social structures in Sub-Sahran Africa.
Old Jewish grandfather: That doesn’t exist. They made that up.

Overheard at TI

Chi Phi bro: One industry I want to break in is whaling. I know they’re there because of all the people protesting. How do I become a whaler?

Overheard in 185 Nassau

Male dancer: So in this step, we are gonna grab our genitals.
Female dancer: Don’t be insensitive, not everyone has genitals.

Overheard at Ivy urinals

Ivy member, singing: ‘cause when you’re 15...you know it?
Sophomore: No man, I don’t.
Ivy member: You gotta know it. Taylor Swift, man.

Overheard during sleep study

Senior, to freshman film buff: So you’ve seen every single Medea movie, but you’ve never seen Star Wars?

Overheard in seminar

Girl: My grandma just died, so my grandpa is thinking about moving out of his retirement home.
Elderly auditor: Single guy in a retirement home? He’s living the dream!

Overheard in Terrace

Senior watching video on phone, discerningly: It’s the right elephant, just not the right footage.

Overheard in Wilson

Comp. lit. major: Never kiss a boy who does not believe that affirmative action has a place in society.

Overheard in the Psych building

Male dancer, dismissively: So I’d keep a dinosaur for like three years, then I’d let it die once it gets domesticated.

Overheard in Terrace

Manic pixie dream boy: I can’t stop smiling around her. It’s really bad. I need to take a seat. Or seven seats.

Overheard in Scully

Senior male: I’d marry Tim Allen over both of the Olsen twins.

Overheard in Ivy

Junior: Monaco is like the Ivy of city-states.