Girl Nass Door

December 10, 2017

The Last List

It’s the apocalypse, and in its last death rattle, the illustrious Nassau Weekly decides to leave one more gift to humanity, to create the only remembrance of our time on earth, to cement an eternal legacy—to publish THE LAST LIST.

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STAY FOR GRANDMA

In a dark kitchen, bread crumbs, ghosts, and gooseberries.

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Monumento Mori

“Commemorating those who died in the American Civil War, and the consequences of a selective memory.”

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White Noise

“I look at him. He doesn’t look at me. Just stares straight ahead. He shuts his eyes for a moment, and at first I’m afraid he’s not going to open them again.”

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Snow Boots

“On my shelf above
They sit like something unearthed
From History”

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Ten Cousins

“My cousins live fifteen
Minutes away. By foot.”

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An Imaginary Collection

“I sometimes wonder, would you be able to reconstruct some image of me through the objects I’ve left behind? Would you know what I looked like? Smelled like? How I acted in public and in private?”

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Lines from Love Notes or Breakup Texts

“You’re not the kind of guy people usually date.
I’m not the kinda person that people usually love.”

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Verbatim

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Overheard on NJ transit

Sad boy: The poetry grind never ends.

Overheard in the Siberian wilderness

Fulbright Fellow: Last time I drank too much I went skinny dipping with a group of seventy-year-old men and vomited freshly slain sheep heart in my mouth.

Overheard in Frist

Pi Phi, future banker: He's totally gonna be successful, he's so white and fat.

Overheard in Bloomberg

Devout Catholic to Marxist-Leninist: Who’s going to make the caramel gelato when the revolution comes?

Overheard in a NYC jazz club

Student: What's the summer recruiting timeline for a Princetonian Jew who wants to be a religious cult leader?

Overheard Murray Dodge

Nass editor: I want to go into journalism but it takes so much confidence and faith...and I’m an atheist with low self-esteem.

Overheard en route to Frist

Sophomore Ivy hopeful wearing a Canada Goose: I'm sorry I'm a man of the people and I don't know how to spell Moncler.

Overheard at Ivy dinner

Senior drama kid: I’m so ready to start preventative Botox at 25. Have you seen Jennifer Aniston?

Overheard on Ivy patio

Patagonia-wearing frat bro: Is anyone here in the 'Badass Marketers and Founders' Facebook group?

Overheard in a post-modern heartbreak hostel

Young Nihilist: I mean real talk – I wonder if animals that mate for one season – if they go through the same heartbreak as humans.

Overheard on iMessage

Stressed Virgo: I just wish people would send Google Invites for booty calls.
Stressed Virgo, later: I should set up a WASS for my hookups.

Overheard in the COS department

Networks professor: When I go to the gym, I always try to use locker 404, because I always forget where I've put my clothes.

Overheard in Cafe Viv

Self-declared SWUG: I keep getting weird looks from the guy who lives across from me. I wish I could explain to him that the vibrating noise coming from my room every night is not the sound of me pleasuring myself but rather my electric toothbrush since I'm too lazy to walk 20 feet to the bathroom.

Overheard in Wilcox

Possible cult member, sophomore: I'm not even that much of a socialist. I just want to help poor people.

Overheard in dorm room

Jewish Marxist A's Ivy junior: I love the Nass verbatims, they're so relatable.