WICKEDEST CENSORS—CNN
“Hey, can I call you Joe?” she asked. “[Off-mike],” he responded.
BEST MIXED METAPHOR—SARAH PALIN
“The barometer there, I think, is going to be resounding that
our economy is hurting.”
MOST GERUNDS—SARAH PALIN
Gerunds are for the weak, remember that.
AN UNBRANDED RANGE ANIMAL—JOHN MCCAIN
That’s the definition of ‘maverick’, you know.
THAT ECONOMIC BAROMETER—THE OPINION OF ONE
MOTHER AT A SOCCER GAME
Because Sarah Palin has more faith in the American people than
they, secret criers and problem eaters, have in themselves.
WORST USE OF THE SECOND-PERSON—SARAH PALIN
“Government, you know, you’re not always the solution.”
WORST USE OF THE THIRD-PERSON—JOE BIDEN
“Gwen, no one in the United States has been a better friend to
Israel than Joe Biden.”
CLOSEST APPROXIMATION OF THE WORD “VULVA”—
SARAH PALIN
Palin, in her list of oil company executives, included “Mulva at
ConocoPhillips.” We can assume that Palin is not so Christian that
she has failed to explore and discover the secrets of the body.
THE MOST IMPORTANT PLACE ON MAIN STREET—THE
KITCHEN TABLE
EXECUTIVE EXPERIENCE—SARAH PALIN
“It is my executive experience that is partly to be attributed to
my pick as V.P. with McCain, not only as governor, but earlier
on as a mayor, as an oil and gas regulator, as a business owner.”
That business ownership, incidentally, was a twenty-percent
stake in a car wash—which came to a close after three years,
when her own Alaskan government was forced to dissolve it for
failing to file licensing fees.
MOST ALCOHOLIC AND VICARIOUSLY VIOLENT POPULATION—
AMERICA
Joe Sixpack and his Hockey Wife, you’ve got the candidate you
deserve.
HAS FRIENDS AND RELATIONS WHO HATE GAYS LESS THAN
HER—SARAH PALIN
“I have a very diverse family and group of friends, and even within
that group you would see some who may not agree with me on [the gay
rights] issue.”
ONE OF THEM MIGHT EVEN BE GAY THEMSELVES—SARAH
PALIN
With whom she bowls once a month, and chats about all those
areas of life unrelated to sex or love. And to whom, let’s be honest
here, she probably responded during the coming-out conversation
with, “Hey, it’s totally cool if you’re gay—as long as you’re not
gay for me, hah, you know? I just love Todd, you know? Love him
right up.”
T O T A L L Y S T R A I G H T, THOUGH—SARAH PALIN
“I will tell Americans straight up that I don’t support defining marriage
as anything but between one man and one woman … I’m being
as straight up with Americans as I can in my non-support for anything
but a traditional definition of marriage.“
How can she say it straighter? Girl’s straight.
GREAT AMERICAN HERO—GENERAL PETRAEUS
Probably a great Dad, too. With a nice, easy laugh.
DOES NOT HAVE THE NAME “OSAMA BIN LADEN” IN HER
ACTIVE VOCABULARY—SARAH PALIN
“And as for who coined that central war on terror being in Iraq,
it was Gen. Petraeus and al Qaeda, both leaders there. … I would
believe Petrae us and the leader of al Qaeda.”
MOST INTERESTING CONVERSATION PARTNER SARAH
PALIN EVER HAD—THE WAR CRIMINAL HENRY
KISSINGER
“I had a good conversation with him recently. And he
shared with me his passion for diplomacy.”
CONVERSATION PARTNERS WHO INTERESTED THE
WAR CRIMINAL HENRY KISSINGER MORE THAN
SARAH PALIN—HIS BANK TELLER, THREE OR FOUR
PEOPLE WITH WHOM HE’S SHARED AN ELEVATOR,
TAXI DRIVERS WORLDWIDE
WORST TRANSCRIPTION—CNN
“That’s what it takes to reign in spending.”
Sic as hell, guys.
SEXIEST SURGE—GENERAL PETRAEUS
“Clear, hold and build” is the secret to the Petraeuses’ famous
delayed orgasms.
G O S H , T H AT W O U L D PROBABLY KILL A LOT OF
PEOPLE, WOULDN’T IT?—A NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST
“[The use of ] nuclear weaponry, of course, would be the be all, end
all of just too many people in too many parts of our planet.”
ALWAYS MEANING SOMEONE ELSE—SARAH PALIN
“Well, first, [George B.] McClellan [b. 1826, d. 1885] did not
definitively say the surge principles would work in Afghanistan.”
His implementation of the surge principles in western Virginia,
however, were integral to the early successes of the Northern
campaign and the birth of West Virginia.
WILLING, WHEN PRESSED, TO ADMIT HE’S SAVED MORE
PEOPLE THAN YOU WILL EVER EVEN MEET IN YOUR
LIFETIME—JOE BIDEN
“My recommendations on Bosnia: I admit I was the first one to
recommend it. They saved tens of thousands of lives.”
YOUR STREET—A TOXIC MESS
“It’s a toxic mess, really, on Main Street, that’s affecting Wall
Street.” If only you weren’t always sneaking out those garbage
bags of empty whippets late on Sunday night.
DOESN’T EVEN KNOW HOW RIGHT SHE IS—SARAH
PALIN
“You know, it’s so obvious I’m a Washington outsider.”
JUST WANTS TO GIVE ISRAEL A BIG HUG WITH A COUPLE
OF SQUEEZES IN THERE, LOOK IT IN THE EYES AFTERWARD,
STILL GRASPING ITS SHOULDERS WITH HIS
FIRM HANDS, AND ASK IT HOW THINGS HAVE BEEN,
REALLY—JOE BIDEN
“Gwen, no one in the United States has been a better friend to
Israel than Joe Biden.”
EXPLAINED EVERYTHING THAT’S WRONG WITH HER
WORLDVIEW IN SEVERAL WORDS—SARAH PALIN
“Her reward is in Heaven, right?”
HOW YOU’LL SPEND YOUR SUNSET YEARS—SARAH
PALIN
If Obama and Biden are elected, Palin implied that “we’re going
to find ourselves spending our sunset years telling our children
and our children’s children about a time in America, back in
the day, when men and women were free.” Whereas if McCain
and Palin are elected, we will all be napping, bellies full of meat,
on a bright and warm New Christmas evening (New Christmas
will be the day all the foreigners die.)