SHOWING UP—JOHN McCAIN
McCain showed up to the debate last week inspite of his claim, a few days earlier, that he would boycott it until a bailout bill passed (which had not yet occurred). Since politics is all about exceeding expectations and winning is often just showing up, McCain gets this point and, with it, the debate.
BEST EISENHOWER ANECDOTE—JOHN McCAIN
Despite the inclusion of an Eisenhower quote in the opening question from Jim Lehrer, Obama failed to tell any stories about the former Commander-in-Chief. McCain, on the other hand, told a powerful anecdote about the man’s proud accountability for the potential loss of tens of thousands of lives.
GREATEST INVASION IN FOREVER—NORMANDY
In the undisputed declaration by McCain, the American invasion of Normandy in World War II is “the greatest invasion in history, still to this day, and forever,” although he promised, snickering, that his future land war in Asia would give it a “run for its money.”
EARMARKS—JOHN McCAIN
McCain promised that he would consider freezing all government spending not pertaining to the killing of people or the hospitalization of people who have killed people in order to eliminate $18 billion in earmark spending. In common parlance, this proposal is known as “throwing the baby out with the bathwater,” or, “infanticide.”
THE OTHER NINETY-NINE PERCENT OF THE FEDERAL BUDGET—BARACK OBAMA
PEN OWNERSHIP—JOHN McCAIN
“As president of the United States, I want to assure you, I’ve got a pen.”
BRACELET OWNERSHIP—PUSH
Both McCain and Obama demonstrated their ownership of the bracelets of dead soldiers. A slight advantage might be given to McCain, for mentioning his bracelet first and for owning the bracelet of a soldier with a more American-sounding name.
CLOSEST APPROXIMATION OF THE WORD “CLITORAL”—JOHN McCAIN
McCain referred at one point to the Littoral Combat Ship, which sounds like, and looks even more like, the word “clitoral.” We can assume that McCain would provide more Americans more clitoral orgasms, while Obama would search for the g-spot to no avail.
EX-CON—JOHN McCAIN
“When I came home from prison…”
EX-CON SNITCHIN’—JOHN McCAIN
“And we fixed [the contract] and we killed it and the people ended up in federal prison.”
PRONUNCIATION—BARACK OBAMA
Obama successfully pronounced everything, including the haughty-sounding “Pahkistan.” McCain sucessfully pronounced ‘naiveté’ and Waziristan, but unsuccessfully pronounced Ahmadinejad and Zardari.
MOST BOOKS WRITTEN—JIM LEHRER
Jim Lehrer, 19; John McCain, 5; Barack Obama, 3.
GREATEST JIM LEHRER BOOK—A BUS OF MY OWN
A Bus of My Own is a sweetly touching autobiography of a collector of bus memorabilia and a decaying old man who enjoys daily naps.
HATES OUR CHILDREN—JOHN McCAIN
“We don’t want our kids coming back here.”
THE SURGE—JOHN McCAIN
Obama dismisses “the surge” as a tactic, but McCain reveres it as a strategy. The surge approves.
SPIRITUAL CONNECTION TO THE VETERANS—JOHN McCAIN
“I know the veterans. I know them well. And I know that they know that I’ll take care of them…. And I love them. And I’ll take care of them. And they know that I’ll take care of them.”
BLOOD-THIRSTIEST—JIM LEHRER
It would be irresponsible of this paper not to assume the worst about the character of Jim Lehrer, both in light of the repeated theme of violence in his fictional works and his emphatic pleadings for viciousness in the presidential debate.
GERMANY—BARACK OBAMA
Germany is pissed that McCain called America “the greatest exporter in the world” when it in fact holds that title.
SO GODDAMN CONTEMPTUOUS AND ENTITLED HE CANNOT EVEN BRING HIMSELF TO LOOK AT HIS OPPONENT—JOHN McCAIN
According to most observers, McCain did not once make eye contact with Obama during the debate.
THE 1982 WAR IN LEBANON—JOHN McCAIN
McCain opposes the costly and fruitless intervention of the United States in the 1982 war in Lebanon; Obama refused to take a stance on the issue.
SECOND HOLOCAUST—JOHN McCAIN
McCain was out in front last night in his opposition to a second Holocaust; Obama refused to take a stance on the issue.
HOLY SHIT AHMADINEJAD IS IN NEW YORK FOR ANOTHER 9/11—JOHN McCAIN
“Here is Ahmadinenene, Ahmadinejad, who is, Ahmadinejad, who is now in New York, talking about the extermination of the State of Israel.” (Ahmadinejad is the President of the Islamic Republic of Iran; McCain’s eyes pop when he’s frustrated.)
THE WAR CRIMINAL HENRY KISSIN- GER—BARACK OBAMA
Obama’s stance on diplomacy has been endorsed as an act of contrition by the war criminal Henry Kissinger.
DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A SEAL YET—JOHN McCAIN
What?
THE HEIGHT OF KOREANS—JOHN McCAIN
McCain knows the average height differential between North and South Koreans. North Koreans know McCain is a little prick.
THE LATVIANS—JOHN McCAIN
The government of Latvia approves of its “shout-out.”
GETTING THERE FROM HERE—JOHN McCAIN
McCain used the nice turn of phrase “it’s hard to get there from here” or “you can’t get there from here” twice, while Obama failed to use it even once.
BLOOD AND TREASURE—JOHN McCAIN
Seriously, who revived this phrase? Whoever did shouldn’t be allowed to get there from here.
MISS CONGENIALITY—BARACK OBAMA
McCain twice mentioned that he has never been elected “Miss Congeniality” in the Senate; in a demonstration of his abiding faith in the American worker, he left it up to the audience to remember that Obama has held the title of “Miss Congeniality” in the Senate longer than anyone since Daniel “DSL” Webster.
SHOOTING DOWN SOVIET ICBMs WITH SPACE LASERS—JOHN McCAIN
Obama insisted that the threat from Soviet ICBMs was overstated and the countermeasure of space lasers unconfirmed, while McCain proudly endorsed the program.