DM: Son, I’d like you to come over here.

JOE: Come over there?

DM: Yes, come over here.

JOE: But yesterday you said–

DM: Why don’t you come–

JOE: Yesterday at Disneyland–

DM: –come and sit over here.

JOE: [looking at DM] Alright.

[JOE approaches DM. JOE looks into his eyes. DM looks to his side, at a chair. He taps the chair. He taps the chair, and then resumes eye contact with JOE. JOE looks at DM. JOE looks at DM and sits in the chair.]

DM: There comes a time in every man’s life–

JOE: in every man’s life?

DM: –yes, in every man’s life–when he meets a woman.

JOE: Yes… well I think I have come to that time.

DM: You have?

JOE: Yes, I think I have.

DM: You’ve met a woman.

[JOE nods, slowly.]

DM: Alright then. Tell me about her.

JOE: She is tall. Mature. Understated.

DM: Yes. Go on.

JOE: She likes floral prints.


JOE: I think she prefers Dairy Queen.

DM: That’s natural.

JOE: She bites her nails when she is nervous.

DM: Wait.

JOE: Her sedan is the color of sand, perhaps like the sand, in the sands of time.

DM: You’re talking about mom.

JOE: Yes.

DM: That’s not what I meant at all.

JOE: Not what you meant?

DM: No, not what I meant.

JOE: But I do believe I have met mom.

DM: Yes, but see–

JOE: Perhaps not under formally–

DM: –you see–

JOE: –then, what really is “formal” these days?–

DM: –no, no, see–

JOE: –it is safe to say, nonetheless, since I’ve spent fourteen years under the same roof–

DM: –see, look–

JOE: –I think–

DM: –OK, but see–

JOE: –I have met mom.

DM: That’s not what I meant at all.

JOE: That’s not what you meant.

DM: No, not at all.

JOE: So what did you mean?

DM: I meant–a woman you might like to lie with.

JOE: What.

DM: A woman to lie with. To lie with a woman. To, with a woman, lie.

JOE: Alright.

DM: Alright. Alright. So–

[JOE stares into floor. He sighs, long, exasperated. Quickly he stands up and takes 3 paces forward.]

–so there is a woman, then.

JOE: There is a woman, yes.

DM: OK, so there is a woman. That’s half the battle, son. [DM smiles.]

JOE: Yes, half of it.

DM: Yes, that’s what I said. What is her name?

JOE: Her name.

[DM looks into the back of JOE’s head. He nods to it.]

Her name is Conrad…ny. Conranry. Conry. Connie. Her name is Connie. Connie.

DM: Connie? [smiles]

JOE: Yes that’s her name.

DM: Tell me about her. Don’t describe mom to me again. [chuckles]

JOE: Right, not mom. Connie. Connie is, let’s see. Connie. Connie is also tall.

DM: Good.

JOE: Connie also takes to floral prints.

DM: Hm, interesting.

JOE: Connie likes to hold hands.

DM: That’s good.

JOE: My hands, Connie says, are so delicate.

DM: Well, that–

JOE: Like porcelain pineneedles, Connie says.

DM: I mean, OK.

JOE: Connie’s lower lip quivers after an afternoon of practice.

DM: What kind–

JOE: Connie dreads the Criss Cross Handoff routine.

DM: I did too, but–

JOE: Connie likes “pumpin’ large” with two supersize Pepsis at the movies.

DM: Joe, let me ask something.

JOE: Something else?

DM: Something else.

JOE: What would you like to ask?

DM: Let me just ask–

JOE: You want to ask–

DM: [pauses] Does Connie… spend a lot of time with “the guys”?

JOE: Yes, I guess.

DM: Does Connie wear sneakers of good-support, perhaps hiking boots?

JOE: Yes, yes, Connie does.

DM: Does Connie wear a lot of men’s attire?

JOE: Well, no more than any other–

DM: Son, I think there’s something you don’t know.

JOE: Well there are plenty of things a man does not know.

DM: There’s something you don’t know about Connie.

JOE: What don’t I know about Connie? What do you think I don’t know about Connie?

DM: Son, I think…

JOE: Yes, what is it that you think, now that you’ve asked, tell me what you think.

DM: I think that Connie’s a lesbian.

[JOE buries face in hands, falls to floor, sobs silently. DM holds this silent pause.]

DM: She’ll make a good friend, Joe, I’m sure.

JOE: [looks up, facing away from DM] Dad, Connie’s a man.

DM: I know it seems that way, Joe, she sounds very masculine–

JOE: No, Dad. Connie is a man. Connie’s name is Conrad. His name is Conrad. I’m seeing a man named Conrad.

DM: A man named Conrad.

JOE: Yes, a man named Conrad.

DM: You’re seeing him?

JOE: Yes, I am seeing him.

DM: You’re seeing a man?

JOE: Yes, I am seeing a man. His name is Conrad.

DM: Connie–

JOE: –is Conrad, yes.

DM: Conrad is a man–

JOE: Conrad’s a man.

DM: –whom you’re seeing.

JOE: I’m seeing a man named Conrad, yes.

DM: So you’re gay.

JOE: Yes.

DM: And he’s gay.

JOE: Yes.

DM: This isn’t what I was expecting.

JOE: No.

DM: You know about “the birds and the bees”?

JOE: Yes.

DM: Then perhaps this is goodnight.

JOE: Yes.

DM: [leaving] Goodnight, son.

JOE: Goodnight, Dad.

[DM closes door. Lights out.]

Do you enjoy reading the Nass?

Please consider donating a small amount to help support independent journalism at Princeton and whitelist our site.