Your fate is sealed, as the planets wrote your story by the stars and universes that predate you. So, go on. Enjoy the feast of your destiny. Let the winds guide you home. 

 

Listen, for the following will detail your horoscope on the day you read this. 

 

Aquarius (January 20th – February 18th) 

 

Deep sorrow awaits you. There will be a fruit that gives you excruciating pain, and it will not cease until you cleanse yourself with a bath. After bathing, you should spread honey over your limbs and breathe.  

 

Pisces (February 19th – March 20th)

 

Avoid all libraries today. The stench from the books, or those around them, will instantly strike you down. 

 

Aries (March 21st – April 19th)

 

Upon stepping out of your room, you will meet your doppelgänger. However, their flesh will embarrass you, as you realize they are the better version of yourself. Struck with disaster, you will beg them to leave you, only for them to take your place. 

 

Taurus (April 20th – May 20th)

 

By the time the sun sets, you will have overdosed on dumplings. In the morning, they will stick in your stomach like a rock and protrude through your shirt. The whole world will be witness to the mass you carry. 

 

Gemini (May 21st – June 20th) 

 

Follow the fox that crosses your path. In his tracks, you will walk. He shall lead you to his burrow and share his meal. Only after you have satisfied your craving, you will look down to your hands and notice the blood they are soaked with. Turning your head to the right, you will see the carcasses of your meal with their tiny fuzzy tails and little snouts. 

 

Cancer (June 21st – July 22nd)

 

Good company awaits you. Fresh cookies are in your midst. You will wake up refreshed for the rest of the year. You’ve earned it! The Moon has found you favorable and the Crab has only one thing on her mind, and that is to drop, endlessly, rose petals on your head. 

 

Leo (June 23rd – August 22nd) 

 

Look in the mirror and wallow. Another day passes where you are caught in an endless stupor. 

 

Virgo (August 23rd – September 22nd) 

 

Book a flight to Oklahoma and await your exorcism. There is a thirsty parasite slowly devouring what’s left of you. It’s a depressing fate, really. The parasite, scouring around your bowels, is having trouble finding sustenance. For you are so lacking, he finds nothing worthy in you.  

 

Libra (September 23rd – October 22nd) 

 

You will open your phone to the arrival of an Instagram notification. “Azealia Banks has mentioned you in a story,” it reads. In disbelief, you will read her message: “After [your name] falls, they will finally fly.” Thinking she means well, you will never doubt yourself again. However, like that great oracle, Azealia actually prophesizes your death.

 

Scorpio (October 23rd – November 21st) 

 

Wake up. That recurring nightmare is not just a dream. You will experience it forever. The only way out is to recite tumblr’s Lesbian MasterDoc three times. In an Augustinian-like conversion, you will slowly ponder over the questions, wondering if this is compulsory heterosexuality or true love? 

 

Sagittarius (November 22nd – December 21st)

 

A tall tree will fall in front of you. It will miss you by a whisker. The branches will just lightly reach your nose and the leaves will drape your shoulders like a cape. In this intimate embrace, you will love the tree. And the tree will love you. Ask yourself, “Why would I ever want to leave this place?” So you stay there, eternally. 

 

Capricorn (December 22nd – January 19th) 

 

Martyrdom is your vocation for today. However, it’s not what you think. No religious persecution requires you to die, but your allegiance to your hair does. The next time someone sees you messing with it, fixing it, even touching it, arrows will come flying. 

 

And now, the Zodiac will bestow a day of death:

 

Birthday: April 28th

Death: September 20th 

 

Remember, the year is arbitrary. Be very careful on this day to ensure longevity. 

 

A Note from Your Certified Astrologer, 

 

Our Daily Horoscope has come to a close. I appreciate all who were brave enough to peer into the abyss and listen to the infinite. Especially my fellow Cancer-born readers. You are truly the brightest of them all! Every sign aspires to be like you—perfect and beautiful like no other. 

 

With all the love to fill a crater of the Moon,

Michael