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How to Write a Pitchfork Album Review
Listen to two or three of the songs off of the album. Pick them from different sections, so it seems like you listened to the whole thing. Also, don’t call them songs. Call them “tracks” or (even better) “cuts” instead.
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Slapstick
The toy’s full name was Slapstick: An Authentic Comedy Toy for the Whole Family!TM, Slapstick himself being a kind of flesh-colored kidney-bean-shaped almost-humanoid character with googly eyeballs and kind of oozy chunky rubbery skin (which was in fact made of rubber with chunks in it, but no ooze; eventually the ACTC (Authentic Comedy Toy Company)…
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The Nass 100
Every spring, the staff of the Nassau Weekly compile a list of things they do not want to see next year. However, I realized it was unnecessary to involve other people in such a task, as I am disproportionately outraged. Also, my therapist thought it would be a useful exercise.
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The Beach: A Brofile
The beach is at once a confusing and wonderful thing to behold. Like a sandbox for man children, the beach is full of all the earthly pleasures one would expect of such a place–one metric ton of white sand, an inflatable treasure chest cooler filled with Coronas, a leafy green palm tree and a speaker…
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A View of Reunions from Behind the Scenes
Behind the scenes of Princeton’s annual alumni event, a small number of dedicated student trucking teams work tirelessly to keep Reunions running smoothly. Responsible for driving a fleet of large box trucks, crews of student truckers single-handedly transport all of an assigned reunion site’s daily supplies from the dining halls to the tents and back.…
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Lester in Love
I: For a neurotic weenie you sure seem to be a man of action. L: Yeah, well sometimes.
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Interview with Lester, Functional Humanoid
She looked at me and turned her thingie off. And said typical. And then turned over and kept vibrating.
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That Precept Kid Reviews Some Albums
Piggybacking off of your cultural criticism
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When Tigerhub Goes Down
The twenty-one hours to himself during the day aren’t so bad, but the three hours at night are paralyzing. He always tells himself, in the midst of particularly productive days, that he’ll be able to finally start doing things during the night, but when the time comes he’s scared of going out.
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Peer Review
Since the beginning of time, editors at The Nassau Weekly have taken their pens to each other’s Common Application Essays. And yes, The Nassau Weekly has been around since the beginning of time.