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_Failed Love_
I’m not sure how your Valentine’s Day turned out—sappy and loaded with Stevia, I hope. As I write this, mine doesn’t seem to be beginning so well. It’s 12:33 am Sunday morning, and I’m watching _Zombieland_ with my fourteen year-old sister. My roommates are currently stumbling around Atlantic City without me, beating up the beat,…
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What’s In a Name?
As a self-proclaimed solipsist, I have always attached much importance to my name and seen it manifest itself in the least expected of places. But in my pampered youth of Plaza teas surrounded by the redolence of a fine Cavendish tobacco blend among glasses of Scotch filled three-fingers high, I wanted to rebel, mutiny, dissent.…
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Nassau Weekly’s Weekly Diet
Oh Gross. We accidentally just looked at you and your fatness grossed us out. Big time. Well, because we here at the Nassau Weekly are bonded together by a spirit of philanthropy and kindness, we are going to give you what you so desperately need: A brand new diet.
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The Virtues of Friction
A visit to a meeting of the Anscombe Society, a conservative student group at Princeton.
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Invisible Fratter
“Master Race! Master Race!” chanted my drunken Aryan friends. The “Beer Olympics” had seemed like a great idea; what better way to build camaraderie amongst brothers than to engage in the spirit of competition, and to do it while getting shitfaced?
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Acting Asperger’s
Imagine you are at a party on another planet. You have a guidebook about alien behaviors. (It is far less comprehensive than the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.) The first alien you meet is female. You introduce yourself, as the guidebook suggests. Her skin turns a pinkish tinge. She looks away, then looks back. She…
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A Better Course Guide
ARC 210 Unpacking Foreclosure ATL 253 Eating Clear Soup with Small Spoons on Uncomfortable Chairs BCS101 Introduction to the Existence of Bosnian-Croatian-Serbian CHI 101 So You Want to Apply to PIA CHV 310 Practical Meth-xxx CWR 301 Your Memoir CWR 444 Crowbars, Dumplings: Scrambling Up Words DAN 213 How to Ride it Like Ciara ECO…
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Assault: 3, Silverman: 0
The Prince wants to know what happened at pickups. This year set a precedent for all manner of illegal and debauched activities and at the forefront of this tidal wave of sexual assault, underage drinking and bodily fluids, stood the Tiger Inn. Or so says the Prince. Not that this is anything unusual or new,…
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A Modern-Day Houdini
Tickling the teeth, the tongue, the lips, Dr. Rabinowitz-Drillstein would jab various metal objects into my mouth during my visits to his dentist office. Though the majority of dentists will have at their most depressed of times the faint scent of Scotch or some strong digestif, my humble tooth doctor lacked this characteristic, and quite…
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Letter from the Editors
We here at The Nassau Weekly love to hate the The Prince. Yet as the events surrounding the Printsanything scandal unfolded, we found that even our cold hearts were moved to sympathy. Sure, the Gaily Printsanything made us all shudder with embarrassment, like when our old uncle Herbert reenacts a Dave Chappelle skit at Thanksgiving…
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Mystery Suitcase
It’s mid-September, and your room is set up at last. Your chair is here, your toes are toasty in the A.M. thanks to a whimsically shagged carpet you bought at Wal-Mart, your creamy walls glow with the efflorescence of a thousand late nineteenth-century French advertisements purchased from the student poster agency.