Rule #1: Be Yourself (Unless Yourself Sucks)

It is a delicate balance, understanding the difference between being sincere and being who you really are. But it is a balance you must master if you want to master us (that was a sexual innuendo). The basic rule of thumb is this: be sincere, be yourself, be all that you can be—unless you are a tremendous douche bag.

Think of it as cosmetics for the soul. If you are lame, stop being lame around us. That means no “wink and gun,” no name-dropping, no slyly letting me in on how sweet your life is (“Yeah, it’s interesting we’re learning about the French Revolution, because I actually have a house on the French Riviera…[pregnant pause]…it’s really big”).

Only when you have wooed us can you let your true colors show. It is what I call the “Morning After” Strategy. It’s just as if you’re leave the Street thinking you have Gisele Bundchen on your arms only to wake up next to The Missing Link. You have to trick us into thinking you have a great personality until we are stuck with you. We girls are generally pretty lazy. By the time we figure out our Prince Charming is actually Geraldo Rivera, we’ll be too tired (and feel way too stupid) to rectify the situation.

Rule #2: The Crush Nobody Likes—Not Even You

A bizarre phenomenon you will notice is that a lot of girls do not even like the guy they have a crush on. This is the classic “Nice Guys Finish Last” idea. And seriously, they do. But it isn’t that we girls like assholes; rather, it’s that we like to be contentious with the person we like. So if you know the girl you are after, find out everything she likes, find out whom she admires, and discover her passions—and then insult and make fun of them at every chance you get. Try and use words like “suck” and “retarded”; the more inexplicable and unspecific you are, the more irritated we will become. The reason girls generally like assholes is because they are naturally at odds with us. We are genteel, delicate creatures who like poetry and art. Asshole Smith doesn’t do art. He does hot chicks and then kicks them to the curb. We are shocked and horrified by Asshole Smith’s irreverent attitude, we think he is a disgusting pig, and we want him to…like us. An example to illustrate these principles:

Girl A: Gosh, Asshole Smith, I sure like playing ping pong.

Asshole Smith: Ping pong sucks. It’s really retarded.

Girl A: But I am ping pong champion of the world, and I dedicate hours of my day to perfecting my gentle tap.

Asshole Smith: I think your gentle tap is dumb. You’re hot though—ever done it on a ping pong table?

Girl A: Why, Asshole Smith, that is disgusting!

Asshole Smith: Your face is disgusting.

Girl A: You don’t even have a reason for hating ping pong.

Asshole Smith: Hey, while you are opening your mouth, do you want to go down on me?

Girl A: [shocked silence]

Asshole Smith: Ping pong really really sucks.

Later…

Girl B: I met this terrible guy today.

Girl A: Me too! His name was Asshole Smith.

Girl B: Yeah, it’s the same guy!

Girl A: I want to have big old sex with him.

Girl B: I want him to dominate me!

As you can see, the method works like magic. Yet, I cannot stress enough that Asshole Smith does not have to literally pummel kittens to get our attention. Asshole Smith can be the conservative to our liberal, the awkward to our poised. In fact even a really nice guy can be Asshole Smith if he is going after a really bitchy girl. As long as Asshole Smith does not veer into Douche-bag Jones territory, he will always be the object of our affection. Our friends will hate him. We will hate him. We will spend countless minutes trying to find a way to really let him know how much we hate his guts. In the meanwhile, we’ll have spent so much time thinking about him that we have slowly become enamored with him and then…well, the rest is history—and the basis of James Dean’s career.

Rule #3: Be Sensitive…but not Brokeback Sensitive.

We seriously would rather you not use hair products or at least, for God’s sake, don’t call them hair products. We know we call you gross. But it doesn’t mean you should stop being filthy. When we ask you to share emotions and feelings with us, this is not an invitation to sit us down and talk about how it made you feel when John called you a little bitch in precept. If you are taking the time to explain the situation to me, then I hate to break it to you, but you are indeed a little bitch. We love humor and self-depreciation is always funny, but do not emasculate yourself. We would rather you dress in full drag than tell us that your coach thinks you throw like a girl. At the same time, there are few things more unbearable than being oppressively male. The best way to show subtle sensitivity to a girl you like is to throw in random compliments. An example:

Asshole Smith: Ping pong really really sucks.

Girl A: You are really making me angry.

Asshole Smith: That’s how I roll. Hey, where did you get those shoes?

Girl A: Why these? Zoë’s!

Asshole Smith: They’re wicked sweet.

Girl A: Why thank you!

Asshole Smith: Yeah and your hair smells like fresh summer rain.

Girl A: Oh my gosh, thanks!

Asshole Smith: Shut your trap, pug face.

This example shows an advanced handle of the techniques. Not only does Asshole Smith use sensitivity, but he also demonstrates a remarkable integration of both asshole and sweetheart. Yet even those less skilled can glean something valuable: employ your sensitivity with skill—or else risk having us quit you. We want manly men, but we don’t want you to be so out of touch with your feminine side that you can’t even understand why we are crying at the end of The Notebook or admit to watching the OC (and watch it with us).

Rule #4: Pay for Everything except Sex

And the sex part isn’t set in stone.

Rule #5: Channel Your Inner Jack Johnson.

It’s common wisdom that girls love a guy that can sing and play the guitar. Some of you guys might be thinking, “Yeah but doesn’t it get old after awhile? It seems kind of corny.” If you are saying that, you clearly do not sing or play guitar. It only seems corny to other guys; the few jaded girls who find it annoying are deceiving themselves and secretly would combust with joy if you could demonstrate the smallest ability to hold a note. Witness the A Capella Effect, where countless mediocre men have risen to the status of gods in the eyes of girls all over campus for their ability to sing in falsetto. If you are ugly—and let’s face it, you probably are—this is the definitive strategy for you. Look at Seal. My God, look at Justin Guarini. That pre-pubescent doped-up clown never stood a chance without his angelic voice. So lift up your voice and sing; we will respond.

Rule #6: While you’re at it Channel Michael Jackson, too.

Only minus the whole child molestation thing. Unless that’s part of the asshole act…in which case, carry on.

The point: you have to know how to dance, have some semblance of rhythm, or be able to make your abysmal moves seem like a hilarious comedy act. One of the guys I had to back away from was a hideously bad dancer. He would just latch on and then swing me about like a battering ram, his jerky hip thrusts jabbing at my ovaries, his arms flailing, my legs desperately searching for their place in the world, and all I could do was wait for DJ Bob to stop the song and set me free.

Even if you are a good dancer, there are ground rules. First, just because you are dancing with us, it does not mean we want to hook up with you, and it certainly is not an invitation to make a dinner of our necks. It is Ivy Club, not Ivy Garden; you are not allowed to eat our faces just because we are dancing with you. And though we aren’t going to deny the sexuality of dancing, there is no need to make it official. A friend of mine put it delicately, “It is just gross. They do that leg lock thing and I don’t want to let it go on; it’s practically popping my cherry.”

Learn how to dance, and when you do, show some respect. If we want to go there with you, trust us, we will let you know. This means do not try and find a girl who has mysteriously disappeared mid-dance. The interruption from her friend was not a “cock block”—a sign was given and the girl was saved.

There you have it, the seven rules which will bring you closer to your goal. Now go forth and spread your seed.