It is hard to offend the Nassau Weekly. The Nassau Weekly has an iron gut and a gutter mind. However, the Nassau Weekly recently encountered something so profoundly heinous, so depraved and disturbing, that it gagged several times and then swallowed its own ass-bile. The Nassau Weekly was unprepared; it was eating a snack and catching up on its current events when it stumbled upon a news story about a friendly-looking member of the United States Congress.
At first the Nassau Weekly had trouble articulating what was so damn skin-crawlingly abhorrent about the exchange. Perhaps it was the Congressman’s not-quite-fluent online colloquialisms, or his persistent, lame attempts at turning the conversation toward sexy feelings. The complete familiarity of how the AIM conversation unfolds can make you momentarily forget just who is perpetrating the exchange.
Because the Nassau Weekly is concerned, at the utmost, with the moral hygiene of the Princeton University community and, truly, the greater Princeton, Trenton and New Brunswick area and environs, the Nassau Weekly calls upon all upright, upstanding and upwardly mobile individuals to heed our call and respond to the following crimes against America’s youth and the youth of other, poorer nations. Including our friends in Cuba, Mexico, El Salvador, Guatemala and most of the continent of Africa (Editor’s note: NOT South Africa).
What follows is the actual transcript of an Instant Message conversation between Congressman Mark Foley (R- Palm Beach) and one of his various male pages. All of them cherubic, nubile and quite young. (Editor’s note: We do not presume to judge the moral worth of pederasty and its devotees; we merely print this in the spirit of candid and open journalism.) This is a time for healing, and we here at the Nassau Weekly hope to foster an environment safe for fair-minded discourse.
Maf54: hey
Auto response from Xxxxxxxxx: scrounging for food…brb
Maf54: ok
Maf54: kep scrounging
Xxxxxxxxx: boo
Maf54: bo dude
Xxxxxxxxx: lol
Xxxxxxxxx: whered ya go this afternoon
Maf54: i am in pensecola…had to catch a plane
Xxxxxxxxx: oh well thats fun
Maf54: indeed
Xxxxxxxxx: what are you doing in pensecola
Maf54: now in my hotel room
Xxxxxxxxx: well ..like why did you go there
Maf54: for the campaign
Xxxxxxxxx: have you officialy announced yt
Maf54: not yet
Xxxxxxxxx: cool cool…
Maf54: how my favorite young stud doing
Xxxxxxxxx: tired and sore
Xxxxxxxxx: i didnt no waltzing could make you sore
Maf54: from what
Xxxxxxxxx: what do you mean from what
Xxxxxxxxx: from waltzing…im sore from waltzing
Maf54: tahts good
Maf54: you need a massage
…
Xxxxxxxxx: ugh tomorrow i have the first day of lacrosse practice
Maf54: love to watch that
Maf54: those great legs running
Xxxxxxxxx: haha…they arent great
Xxxxxxxxx: thats why we have conditioning
Xxxxxxxxx: 2 days running….3 days lifting
Xxxxxxxxx: every week
Xxxxxxxxx: until the end of march
Maf54: well dont ruin my mental picture
Xxxxxxxxx: oh lol…sorry
Maf54: nice
Maf54: youll be way hot then
Xxxxxxxxx: haha…hopefully
Maf54: better be
Maf54: well I better let you go do oyur thing
Xxxxxxxxx: oh ok
Xxxxxxxxx: have fun campaigning
Xxxxxxxxx: or however you spell it
Xxxxxxxxx: lol
Xxxxxxxxx: ill see ya in a couple of weeks
Maf54: did any girl give you a haand job this weekend
Xxxxxxxxx: lol no
Xxxxxxxxx: im single right now
Xxxxxxxxx: my last gf and i broke up a few weeks agi
Maf54: are you
Maf54: good so your getting horny
Xxxxxxxxx: lol…a bit
Maf54: did you spank it this weekend yourself
Xxxxxxxxx: no
Xxxxxxxxx: been too tired and too busy
Maf54: wow…
Maf54: i am never to busy haha
Xxxxxxxxx: haha
Maf54: or tired..helps me sleep
Xxxxxxxxx: thats true havent been having a problem with sleep though.. i just walk in the door and collapse well at least this weekend
Maf54: i am sure
Xxxxxxxxx: i dont do it very often normally though
Maf54: why not
Maf54: at your age seems like it would be daily
Xxxxxxxxx: not me
Xxxxxxxxx: im not a horn dog
Xxxxxxxxx: maybe 2 or 3 times a week
Maf54: thats a good number
Maf54: in the shower
Xxxxxxxxx: actually usually i dont do it in the shower
Xxxxxxxxx: just cause i shower in the morning
Xxxxxxxxx: and quickly
Maf54: in the bed
Xxxxxxxxx: i get up at 530 and am outta the house by 610
Xxxxxxxxx: eh ya
Maf54: on your back
Xxxxxxxxx: no face down
Maf54: love details
Xxxxxxxxx: lol
Xxxxxxxxx: i see that
Xxxxxxxxx : lol
Maf54: really
Maf54: do you really do it face down
Xxxxxxxxx: ya
Maf54: kneeling
Xxxxxxxxx: well i dont use my hand…i use the bed itself
Maf54: where do you unload it
Xxxxxxxxx: towel
Maf54: really
Maf54: completely naked?
Xxxxxxxxx: well ya
Maf54: very nice
Xxxxxxxxx: lol
Maf54: cute butt bouncing in the air
Xxxxxxxxx: haha
Xxxxxxxxx: well ive never watched myslef
Xxxxxxxxx: but ya i guess
Maf54: i am sure not
Maf54: hmmm
Maf54: great visual
Maf54: i may try that
Xxxxxxxxx: it works
Maf54: hmm
Maf54: sound inetersting
Maf54: i always use lotion and the hand
Maf54: but who knows
Xxxxxxxxx: i dont use lotion…takes too much time to clean up
Xxxxxxxxx: with a towel you can just wipe off….and go
Maf54: lol
Maf54: where do you throw the towel
Xxxxxxxxx: but you cant work it too hard….or its not good
Xxxxxxxxx: in the laundry
Maf54: just kinda slow rubbing
Xxxxxxxxx: ya….
Xxxxxxxxx: or youll rub yourslef raw
Maf54: well I have aa totally stiff wood now
Xxxxxxxxx: cause the towell isnt very soft
Maf54: i bet..taht would hurt
Xxxxxxxxx: but you cn find something softer than a towell i guess
Maf54: but it must feel great spirting on the towel
Xxxxxxxxx: ya
Maf54: wow
Maf54: is your little guy limp…or growing
Xxxxxxxxx: eh growing
Maf54: hmm
Maf54: so you got a stiff one now
Xxxxxxxxx: not that fast
Xxxxxxxxx: hey
Xxxxxxxxx: so you have a fetich
Maf54: hey what
Xxxxxxxxx: fetish**
Maf54: like
Maf54: i like steamroom
Maf54: whats yours
Xxxxxxxxx: its kinda weird
Xxxxxxxxx: lol
Maf54: i am hard as a rock..so tell me when your reaches rock
Xxxxxxxxx: i have a cast fetish
Maf54: well tell me
Maf54: cast
Xxxxxxxxx: ya like…plaster cast
Maf54: ok..so what happens
Maf54: how does that turn you in
Xxxxxxxxx: i dont know
Xxxxxxxxx: it just does
…
Xxxxxxxxx: but along with that i like the whole catholic girl look… thats our schools uniform
Maf54: ha thats wild
Xxxxxxxxx: ya but now im hard
Maf54: me 2
Maf54: cast got you going
Maf54: what you wearing
Xxxxxxxxx: normal clothes
Xxxxxxxxx: tshirt and shorts
Maf54: um so a big buldge
Xxxxxxxxx: ya
Maf54: um
Maf54: love to slip them off of you
Xxxxxxxxx: haha
Maf54: and gram the one eyed snake
Maf54: grab
Xxxxxxxxx : not tonight…dont get to excited
Maf54: well your hard
Xxxxxxxxx: that is true
Maf54: and a little horny
Xxxxxxxxx: and also tru
Maf54: get a ruler and measure it for me
Xxxxxxxxx: ive already told you that
Maf54: tell me again
Xxxxxxxxx: 7 and 1/2
Maf54: ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Maf54: beautiful
Xxxxxxxxx: lol
Maf54: thats a great size
Xxxxxxxxx: thank you
Maf54: still stiff
Xxxxxxxxx: ya
Maf54: take it out
Xxxxxxxxx: brb…my mom is yelling
Maf54: ok
Xxxxxxxxx: back
Maf54: cool hope se didnt see any thing
Xxxxxxxxx: no no
Maf54: good
…
Xxxxxxxxx: well i bette go finish my hw… i just found out from a friend that i have to finish reading and notating a book for AP english
Maf54 signed off at 8:17:43 PM.
In poring over every last lurid detail of the Foley transcript (and only for the sake of science, and journalism, of course), the Nassau Weekly couldn’t help but think of another relentlessly pervy Compassionate Conservative who managed to get himself caught in flagrante dictu, as it were. The sophisticated and well-informed (and righteous!) Nassau Weekly refers here to Bill O’Reilly, the Fox News celebrity who last year settled a sexual harassment lawsuit for an undisclosed amount of money. The contents of the lawsuit, before it was settled out of court, were a matter of public record. (Editor’s note: God bless America.) What follows are selections from the lawsuit, largely taken from the plaintiff’s recordings of Mr. O’Reilly’s fantastically absurd dirty phone calls:
Defendant Bill O’Reilly advised Plaintiff Andrea Mackris to avoid future contact with her ex-fiancé, to have manicures and pedicures and “pick up 23-year-old men in bars,” to attend charity events and meet men with credentials, and to otherwise spend the next year doing what she felt like doing, without thinking twice about the consequences.
… Defendant Bill O’Reilly’s demeanor abruptly changed. O’Reilly’s eyes became glazed and bizarrely strayed in opposite directions. Suddenly, without provocation or warning, Defendant Bill O’Reilly said to Plaintiff Andrea Mackris: “And just use your vibrator to blow off steam.” When Plaintiff reddened, Defendant Bill O’Reilly asked lewdly: “What, you’ve got a vibrator, don’t you? Every girl does.” When Plaintiff responded indignantly, “No, and no, they don’t. Does your wife?” Defendant replied: “Yes, in fact she does. She’d kill me if she knew I was telling you!” Plaintiff was repulsed.
Defendant Bill O’Reilly proceeded, without solicitation or invite, to inform Plaintiff Andrea Mackris that he had advised another woman to purchase a vibrator, and had taught that woman how to masturbate while telling her sexual stories over the telephone. O’Reilly told Plaintiff Andrea Mackris she knew the woman from Fox. Defendant O’Reilly then boasted that the woman had her first orgasm via masturbation as he spoke to her on the telephone.
Defendant Bill O’Reilly professed disbelief, and told her that the sexual stories he told were all based upon his own experiences, such as when he received a massage in a cabana in Bali and the “little short brown woman” asked to see his penis and was “amazed.” Defendant Bill O’Reilly then suggested that he tell Plaintiff the same sexual stories, which he knew she would “just love.” Shocked and embarrassed, Plaintiff Andrea Mackris informed Defendant in no uncertain terms that she was neither experienced in nor interested in gaining experience in telephone sex. Defendant expressed disbelief.
O’Reilly repeatedly propositioned the women, singing the praises of telephone sex, offering to telephone them both, and suggesting that the three of them “go to a hotel together and have the time of [their] lives.” O’Reilly further suggested that the women needed to be trained so they’d be equipped and ready to go when a “real man shows up in your lives,” and offered “lessons.”
Defendant O’Reilly informed Plaintiff Andrea Mackris that he was watching a porn movie and babbled perversely regarding his fantasies concerning Carribean (SIC) vacations because, purportedly: “Once people get into that hot weather they shed their inhibitions, you now they drink during their day, they lay there and lazy, they have dinner and then they come back and fool around…that’s basically the modus operandi.”
78. During the course of his monologue, Defendant O’Reilly further stated: “Well, if I took you down there then I’d want tot take a shower with you right away, that would be the first think (SIC) I’d do…yeah, we’d check into the room, and we would order up some room service and uh and you’d definitely get two wines into you as quickly as I could get into you I would get ‘em into you…maybe intravenously, get those glasses of wine into you…
You would basically be in the shower and then I would come in and I’d join you and you would have your back to me and I would take that little loofa thing and kinda soap up your back…rub it all over you, get you to relax, hot water…and um…you know, you’d feel the tension drain out of you and uh you still would be with your back to me then I would kinda’ put my arm – it’s on of those mitts, those loofa mitts you know, so I got my hands in it…and I would put it around front, kinda’ rub your tummy a little bit with it, and then with my other hand I would start to massage your boobs, get your nipples really hard…’cuz I like that and you have really spectacular boobs…
So anyway I’d be rubbing your big boobs and getting your nipples really hard, kinda kissing your neck from behind…and then I would take the other hand with the falafel (sic) thing and I’d put it on your pussy but you’d have to do it really light, just kind of a tease business…
Plaintiff Andrea Mackris was frightened and disturbed.
79. During the course of this monologue, Defendant Bill O’Reilly suggested that he would perform oral sex upon Plaintiff Andrew Mackris, and that she would start to perform fellatio upon his “big cock” but not complete the sex act: “you’d tease me, like you wouldn’t really do it, you’d just like – ‘cuz I know you…you’re like a tease.”
81. During the course of Defendant Bill O’Reilly’s sexual rant, it became clear that he was using a vibrator upon himself, and that he ejaculated. Plaintiff was repulsed.
82. Immediately after climaxing, Defendant Bill O’Reilly launched into a discussion concerning how good he was during a recent appearance on “The Tonight Show” with Jay Leno: “It was funny, they used a big clip of me…Right after Brokaw and Brokaw was absolutely the most unfunny guy in the world, and the audience got a big charge out of my…It was good.”
AND NOW, FROM THE BUREAU OF TRUTH AND RECONCILIATION…
The Nassau Weekly is against hypocrisy, and the Nassau Weekly knows all about glass houses. (Editor’s note: and throwing stones – the whole nine yards.) As such, the Nassau Weekly has decided to take this opportunity to atone for its own sins, so that it can henceforth facilitate moral discourse of the very highest order with pure heart and crystal conscience. In its quest for justice and goodly hygiene, the Nass is starting with the man in the mirror. (Editor’s note: I’m asking him to change his ways.)
For example, the Nassau Weekly would like to apologize to the three-legged dog it once kicked: I thought you had four legs, dog I kicked.
Also, the Nassau Weekly would like to apologize for the several instances on which it wore street shoes on various types of courts – squash courts, tennis courts, basketball courts – and also once, in a dance studio.
And the time it jaywalked, while using racial and ethnic slurs and eating several of boogers issued forth from its selfsame nose. Actually, this happened more than once. The Nassau Weekly would like to apologize for all the times it jaywalked, while using racial and ethnic slurs and eating its selfsame nose-boogers.
The Nassau Weekly sees that this is going to take a good deal of time. In the spirit of brevity (Editor’s note: the Nassau Weekly once heard that brevity is the very soul of wit, and though the Nassau Weekly may indeed be against wit, it is certainly in favor of soul.), and in working toward ruthless German-inspired efficiency, the Nassau Weekly will proceed with a condensed list. Please forgive it.