To paraphrase every dad concerning the anecdotal elevator operator, life has its ups and downs. Here at the Nassau Weekly, we’ve spent the past year recording and compiling those downs, and present to you now a selection of our top one hundred worst things about the year. Some are serious, some are satirical, and some are trivial but still super irritating oh my god just fucking STOP IT.

Ahem.

Deep breaths.

8…9…10.

Exhale.

Without further ado, our list:

1. Dead people

2. Sh*t _______ say

3. Joseph Kony

4. Kony 2012

5. Activists masturbating in the street

6. Refusing to use “masturbatory” as a compliment

7. The meme you made about yourself

8. Your three-post-and-done novelty Tumblr

9. Neither norovirus nor ovirus

10. Blood in my stool

11. Blandishments

12. Fear of the word ‘moist’

13. Girls doing makeup in seminar classes

14. My parents having sex

15. Your parents having sex

16. Your parents inviting me to join them after walking in on them having sex

17. Opposite day (not!)

18. Plastic Snapple bottles that don’t have Real Facts on the cap

19. Snapple customer service reps who say “All of the Real Facts can be found online” when you call to complain about how the plastic bottles don’t have Real Facts under their caps

20. Errors in Snapple Facts

21. People not taking the “Yo, bro, I heard there’s a Snapple fact that says 50% of all Snapple facts are false” conspiracy theory seriously enough

22. Tim Tebow’s Virginity

23. My virginity

24. Jokes about my virginity

25. Pretending to not be a virgin

26. Reruns of The 40 Year Old Virgin

27. Extra-virgin olive oil

28. My promise ring

29. Your fucking face

30. Charlie Metzger

31. Moms on Facebook

32. Hashtags that start with “thatawkwardmoment”

33. Hashtags that end in “swag”

34. Hashtags that remind me of my mortality #yolo

35. Indecision about whether to tweet or update my status to garner the most cyber-approval

36. Complaints about Facebook changing its layout

37. “Syncing” all your various social networking accounts into one big ol’ clusterfuck

38. Social media being the only thing I think about

39. People using “inception” as an explanation for some mysterious event

40. Having no condoms

41. Having way too many condoms

42. “Is it racist to say that I’m just not attracted to black girls?”

43. Friday (the one by Rebecca Black)

44. 72-day marriages

45. Feature films based on Hasbro toy properties

46. Bands that aren’t Foster the People

47. Songs that aren’t Pumped Up Kicks

48. You will not BELIEVE what this girl’s father walks in on!! LOL!!

49. Debt

50. Apocalypse predictions always being wrong

51. Traveling minstrels

52. Brett Favre coming out of retirement

53. Eating clubs coming out of retirement

54. Anal Beads

55. Gustavo Fring

56. A movie without Ryan Gosling or Michael Fassbender

57. War, Famine, Disease, etc.

58. People who self-identify as “hipsters”

59. People who imprecisely use the word “hipster”

60. The word “hipster”

61. Hipsters

62. Haters

63. Authority figures having sex with children

64. Authority figures having sex

65. Authority figures

66. Medical care for the sick

67. The Earth’s revolving

68. Banal heating of outdoor spaces in the summertime

69. Feudal systems

70. The scary old man next door who won’t give us our ball back

71. The Real Housewives of Some Affluent Place

72. The guy in my ALL GIRLS hall who uses our restroom and doesn’t flush or wash his hands or wear clothes when he walks in on us in the morning

73. Articles spotlighting feminist election runners-up

74. Committees on Freshmen Rush Policy

75. Any interaction at all between Greek upperclassmen and freshmen

76. People named “World Peace” elbowing other people in the head

77. But for reals, Charlie Metzger is an okay dude

78. Meteoric rises

79. Meteors falling through my roof

80. Three generations of women wearing Uggs

81. Mups of well drawn draw somethings

82. Mups of poorly drawn draw somethings

83. The word “mups”

84. Awkward encounters with sweaty profs at Stephens Fitness Center

85. Awkward encounters with sweaty profs in your bed

86. Lockout fees

87. Departmental frat tanks

88. White socks and athletic sandals

89. Discourse about the piano in Frist

90. Discourse about the Dinky move

91. Far East Movement thinking our mascot is a lion

92. Another editorial about grade deflation

93. Occupying Wall Street

94. Occupying J Street

95. Discourse about the weather machine

96. Narcissism veiled as an autism awareness fundraiser

97. Whetney Brockton

98. Jongs (Kim Il, but also jean thongs which we don’t think exist but just in case)

99. That guy in small world with the funny sweater

100. Blind people, reading the Braille version of this article, reminding everyone else how much they take for granted.