Josh&Aron
Walker Carpenter

My neighbor across the hall is extremely attractive. Should I try to mack on him or is it a really bad idea?

Sincerely,
Freaky in Foulke

Dear Freaky in Foulke,

It sounds like an awful idea, which is exactly why you should do it. As we know from the Middle East, nothing is as beautiful as when it’s falling apart. On the one hand, you live in close proximity to each other. On the other hand, so do monkeys in a zoo. Just because you’ll see each other every time you pee and poop isn’t a reason not to share your other fluids (and solids). If you’re worried about your sheets, the Quad dance floor is usually pretty empty. But remember, kids, sex is never just about sex. It’s also about power, hate, and childhood resentment. All the more reason to do it with someone who has no excuse to sleep over. The Holy Bible says love your neighbor as you love yourself, so if you do have sex, it should be quiet, embarrassed, and in front of a computer screen.

Monkey see, monkey do,
Aron and Josh

Why did the dinosaurs go extinct?

Sincerely,
Perplexed Paleontologist

Dear Perplexed Paleontologist,

As with all questions, the answer lies in a strict and unyielding interpretation of the Holy Bible. We know that on the sixth day of Creation, God formed man so that he could circumcise the dinosaurs according to His Covenant. The dinosaurs, evidently, refused to put their scaly members to the blade. Even that would not have been enough to condemn them had not the male brontosauri been lying with one another as they would their female counterparts. To make matters worse, some dinosaurs took a baby stegosaurus and used its blood to make their matzah. As a result of these transgressions, God castigated the dinosaurs by turning them into Republicans.

PDFing Civil Liberties,
Aron and Josh

Why are Jewish men so attractive?

Sincerely,
Shapely Shiksa

Dear Shapely Shiksa,

We’re delighted to hear from you again. Don’t tell our mothers. There are many qualities that Jewish males possess that make them pleasing. Sexually. For one, we’re anxious. While this occasionally makes it difficult to perform, it also helps us last longer. We don’t like germs. We are also hirsute. This means that you can comb your fingers through our chest hair and never touch the same strand twice. As we mentioned last time, our members have been ritually sculpted into ridged, helmet-like pleasure tools. Let’s build something beautiful.

Happy Chanukah,
Aron and Josh

How has “Blank Space” personally altered your viewpoint on the Arab-Israeli conflict?

Sincerely,
Taylor from Tiberias

Dear Taylor from Tiberias,

It went like this:

“Nice to meet you, where you been?” said David Ben-Gurion, denying a connection between Palestinians and their land. The Grand Mufti responded, “I could show you incredible things: magic, madness, heaven, sin,” a thinly veiled reference to his planned violence. Ben-Gurion, not to be outdone, exclaimed, “Saw you there and I thought, Oh my god! Look at that face! You look like my next mistake,” as he suddenly realized that not everyone living in Mandate Palestine was a white European. “Love’s a game, wanna play?” they shouted in unison, as they initiated 70 years of unending conflict.

“So hey, let’s be friends,” said Ben-Gurion, his fingers crossed.

“I’m dying to see how this one ends,” responded the Grand Mufti as he reached behind his back.

“Grab your passport (and my hand),” suggested Ben-Gurion.

Riding off into the distance, the Grand Mufti called back, “I could make the bad guys good for a weekend.”

Shalom, Salaam, Peace,
Aron and Josh

Between Nicki Minaj, Kim Kardashian and J Lo, everyone is all about the booty these days. How can I combat my low self esteem from having a petite behind?

Sincerely,
Bashful Badonkadonk

Dear Bashful Badonkadonk,

It does feel like everyone from Big Sean to Hillary Clinton is all about a$$ a$$ a$$ these days. If your booty ain’t bumping enough to clap without using hands, there are are some fun and practical things you can do to put some junk in your trunk. First, you can always stick bags of animal lard in your back pockets. This will give you juicy wiggle you’re seeking, with a little added juice. If you’re a vegan, you can do a reverse botox and take fat deposits from your forehead and other future wrinkle-areas and inject them into your rump.

Be the butt you want to see in the world,
Aron and Josh

I’m in love with the coco. But I don’t got baking soda. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Cooking Coed

Dear Cooking Coed,

We know nothing about the coco, but don’t let us dissuade you. Freud, Lil Wayne, and the Ivy Club have all attested to the great efficacy of this popular stimulant. If you don’t have baking soda. Ammonia is the only over-the-counter substitute (according to drugs-forum.com). If you don’t have either and are still looking to cook up, there are some other replacement options: charred remnants of the American flag, Chris Eisgruber’s eyelashes, and the tears of a starving child.

Or you could check the Prince office,
Aron and Josh

My girlfriend is disappointed with a lack of diversity in our sex life? How can I be more adventurous in the bedroom?

Sincerely,
Eager Explorer

Dear Eager Explorer,

It sounds like you’re boring. But that’s OK. God loves you, even if your girlfriend soon won’t. If you’d like to hold on to the steadily fraying thread you call a relationship, here are ten easy ways to spice up your pareve bed-play:

  • Role-play as Frist Welcome Desk worker and overeager parent
  • Text your mom
  • Speak in tongues
  • Role-play as Shirley Tilghman and SAE pledge
  • Buy a tub of body hummus
  • Sext your mom
  • Wear a mask with Paul Krugman’s face on it
  • Cook a sumptuous dinner that requires handling lots of chili peppers. Don’t wash your hands.
  • Wear Paul Krugman’s face as a mask
  • Pull out your other dick

Stay spicy,
Aron and Josh

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