August 6, 2022

Capri-Sun: Full Design

This week, in the annual Summer Issue, the Nass reflects on nostalgia for the iPhone 6, bends like a blade of grass, and writes poems from a Costco gas station.


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Overheard while debating the canon

Disgruntled humanities major: “I don’t know if I want to get that deep into the brain of someone French.”

Overheard over text

White man hater: “I cannot believe Colin Jost and Scarlett Johansson are married.”

Overheard in DC

Enthusiastic executive branch intern: “Just has to pass up through eight levels and it’ll be on Biden’s desk!”

Overheard while hungry

Pro-fast food socialist: “I yearn for Wendy’s a lot.”

Overheard on iMessage

Childhood narcissist: “I just want the world to know I was a beautiful baby.”

Overheard while not on campus

Lonely soul: “I’ve realized that I just need an imaginary friend.”

Overheard over text

Wanabee public intellectual: “The people are dying to see me sued for libel.”

Overheard in a conversation between masthead members

Person aspiring to get canceled: “The Nass needs more controversy.”

Overheard in impromptu Astro precept

Galileo reborn: “The sun is just a big stuffed animal.”

Overheard while reviewing a psychiatry appointment

Skeptical philosopher: “They always ask me if I see or hear things other people don’t, but how would I know if other people don’t?”

Overheard over text

Science-skeptic humanist: “No, exactly, I bet his doctorate is in medicine instead of philosophy.”

Overheard during discussion about mental health

Future MCU character: “My first therapist told me my anxiety was my superpower.”

Overheard in Frist Campus Center

Exuberant sophomore: “This is going to be such a fun study break!”

Baffled straight man: “What, masturbating?”

Overheard at Reunions

Former senior editor: “You couldn't pay me to pay for this food.”

Overheard in an Airbnb

Gay Jew: “Do you think Robbie George wants to criminalize sodomy?”

Straight Jew: “Yes. Definitely.”

Overheard in Buenos Aires

Junior politics major, about the Supreme Court: “None of them are as ballsy as Thomas.”

Overheard while planning memorial service

Ideating memorializer: “Can we play ‘212’ by Azealia Banks during the service? He was from New York City.”

Overheard in Mathey

Guy with a beard and ideas: “It would be so cool if we had a zoo in Frist.”

Down-to-earth friend: “No, it would smell.”

Overheard in a cafe

Overwhelmed student: “I feel like that big guy they tie down in Gulliver’s Travels.”

Helpful friend: “…Gulliver?”

Overheard watching a movie about Pinochet

Historian: “She's hot in the way you want your wife to be hot when you're in your thirties. I'm not attracted to her now. But I will be. When I have to.”

Overheard during a music discussion

Aspiring theologian: “You know what else goes hard? Being a good Christian.”

Overheard while debating the ethics of nudism

Perplexed literary critic: “Why does Bugs only wear gloves when Lola and her parents wear full outfits?”

Overheard abroad

Secular leftist: “We all know I would have been a Stalinist.”

Overheard on iMessage

Future messiah: “One day I woke up and suddenly I was right about everything.”