Even if it’s sticky outside, bring a sweater if you’re going to ride the subway at night; your clothes are too tight, change before you leave; your clothes are too loose, they don’t do you any favors; if you’re being followed, don’t go home, stay calm, call a friend on the phone, walk into a store; at a party, don’t leave your drink unattended; when you get cat-called on the street, act like you didn’t notice, don’t make eye contact, never make eye contact: eye contact is an invitation. 

This is how to act like a “girlboss” without being threatening. This is how to be kind without being a kiss-ass. This is how to be chill without being a slut. This is how to apply no-makeup makeup. This is how to punctuate a polite email. This is how to pretend to be in love with a boy you’re not in love with. This is how to pretend to not love a boy you do.

This is how to find a dress silhouette that looks flattering on your body. This is how to figure out what color looks good with your skin tone. You should wear sunscreen all the time; you should get a tan; don’t use products with chemicals; buy new products when you discover the old ones are full of carcinogens; buy new tampons — yours have arsenic, did you see that news article? Buy anti-aging cream, it’ll prevent wrinkles, it doesn’t matter if you’re only nineteen, you should start early, don’t you want to look hot when you’re fifty?

This is how you act like everything is perfectly fine after you just threw up from period cramps in the bathroom stall; this is how you discreetly carry a pad in your pocket. This is how you get on birth control — don’t expect him to have condoms, you really should get on birth control. This is how to fix your hormones after birth control fucks them up— actually, are you sure your hormones are fucked up? You’re probably just dehydrated, get more sleep, eat more iron, be less stressed — what are you even stressed about? 

This is how to dress to see your grandparents; this is the minimum length your shorts can be if you’re thinking of wearing them to school. You can wear that skirt, just expect to have guys looking at your ass. This is what you wear to have a drink in your friend’s dorm room; this is what you wear clubbing. This is how to track what you eat without developing an eating disorder; this is how to respond when your aunt says: you’re eating all that? and your grandma says: you’re looking too thin, are you eating enough? 

This is how you ignore what people say about you behind your back. This is how you figure out if a man is making “feminist” arguments because he believes in them or if he wants you to have sex with you. This is how you figure out if he’s actually into you, or if he’s “love-bombing” you. 

This is how you look taller than you are; this is how you look shorter. This is how to walk in heels; this is how to walk in shoes that give you blisters (always carry a bandaid); this is what to do if your heel gets stuck in the grate; this is what to do if your dress strap breaks. 

This is how to change a guy; don’t date a guy you have to change. This is how to be friends with a guy without leading him on (oops); you should give nice guys a chance. This is how to make a guy respect you. This is how to make a guy like you. This is how to make a guy want you (it’s not that hard, wear a low cut top). This is how to play hard to get without being a tease; this is how to act available without acting desperate. This is what to expect of a “situationship”; this is what to expect of a guy you’re dating (but not exclusively); this is what to expect of a boyfriend. This is how to fake an orgasm; this is how to look a guy in the eye and be civil even though you know he described your naked body to his friends — don’t start any drama, you’ll be the villain, not him. This is how you become good in bed without being a slut, without being crude, without knowing too much. This is how to figure out if you were raped. I’m not sure what happened, I didn’t say no? But I didn’t say yes, it just kind of happened, I didn’t want him to be mad at me? It wasn’t that bad, I guess, I’m not sure? 

This is how to interrupt a guy after he interrupted you (say sorry at least twice). This is how to walk so people don’t mess with you — stare straight ahead, chin up. This is how to apologize, even when it’s not your fault. This is how to not be a burden. This is how you have an ivy league degree and a corporate job and a child and a tidy household. Oh, you’re going to work full time and hire a nanny –  you mean you’re going to neglect your kid? You’re going to stop working to stay at home – you’re bringing the feminist movement back decades, too much money has been invested in your brain for you to waste it, don’t you appreciate how many women have had to risk so much to have the opportunities and freedom you have? Don’t you see how much freedom you have?

Inspired by Jamaica Kincaid’s 1978 essay: https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/1978/06/26/girl