Harvard Courtyard – Spring 2020
Two students, dressed in flowing black gowns, walk side-by-side through the courtyard.
One student pauses, checks his phone, and sees an update: the University will be virtual for the remainder of the school year.
JOHN PAUL EDWARD III, A DISGRUNTLED STUDENT
Online university sucks! If Harvard makes us go online in the Fall, I am like totally taking a gap year!
PAUL EDWARD JOHN, JR., A SIMILARLY DISGRUNTLED STUDENT
Me too! I am paying good money for my education, and I will not have my limited time at the College be spent on Zoom!
Sheep can be heard murmuring agreement in the background.
Administrative Offices – Earlier that Day
Two administrators, also dressed in flowing black gowns, stand around a watercooler.
One administrator bends down to fill his cup with water. The other throws her hands up in dismay.
HARVARD ADMIN 1
This is a disaster!
HARVARD ADMIN 2
I know! Martin “Marty” Baron was going to be our commencement speaker and now it is cancelled!
HARVARD ADMIN 1, SHAKING HER HEAD IN DISBELIEF
I––
HARVARD ADMIN 2
And we’re also losing tuition!
HARVARD ADMIN 1
I was referring to the flaws in our capitalist system laid bare by a global pandemic that has exacerbated social inequities, destroyed our economy, and slowly eroded our individual freedoms.
HARVARD ADMIN 2
But we may have to dip into the endowment!
HARVARD ADMIN 1
NOOOOOO
Distant wailing can be heard echoing throughout the building.
Larry Summers claws at his heart in pain.
John Harvard rolls over in his grave.
Announcement: To preemptively counteract a potential precipitous drop in enrollment, Harvard University officially declares that students taking semesters off will not be guaranteed spots in the following class year. Some students may be required to wait as long as five years before returning to campus.
SAM, A DISTRESSED STUDENT
Dear Harvard University,
I saw your recent announcement about leaves of absence. I completely understand the need to disincentivize people from taking time off just because they’re dissatisfied with online schooling. That said, I’m having some family difficulties at home, and I will certainly need some time away from campus to deal with the issues in the best way I can.
Sincerely,
Sam ‘22
HARVARD UNIVERSITY, THE INSTITUTION
Dear Sam ‘22,
Harvard University is closely monitoring the ongoing Coronavirus Disease 2019 (COVID-19) pandemic. As the situation continues to change rapidly, our top priority remains the health, safety, and well-being of our community, on and off campus. We will continue to update the community regularly to keep you informed of additional measures.
Sincerely,
Harvard University
SAM, A NOW PUZZLED AND DISTRESSED STUDENT
Hello Harvard,
Thank you for your… speedy reply. Perhaps I should have been more specific in my original email. I will most certainly be taking time off to handle my situation at home.
Sincerely,
Sam
HARVARD UNIVERSITY
Hello Sam,
How long do you think you will need?
Sincerely,
Harvard
SAM
Hello Harvard,
Sam ‘22 is closely monitoring the ongoing crisis at home. As the situation continues to change rapidly, his top priority remains the safety and well-being of his educational future, on and off campus. Sam remains open to appropriate measures to protect the health of his education. He will continue to update the University regularly to keep you informed of additional measures.
Sincerely,
Sam
HARVARD UNIVERSITY, AN ANGERED INSTITUTION
Dear Sam,
Are you mocking us?
Sincerely,
Harvard
SAM, A NOW CONCERNED STUDENT
Dear Harvard,
I was kidding ha ha! I thought that jokes might be helpful in such difficult times. In all likelihood, I will need the next semester off, maybe the entire year.
All the best,
Sam
HARVARD UNIVERSITY
Dearest Sam,
We here at Harvard love jokes! Your situation does sound tough, how about you take five years off? See you in 2025 😊.
Forever Yours,
Harvard
SAM, AN INCREASINGLY CONCERNED STUDENT
Dear Harvard,
Ha ha! That’s a great joke, um, does that mean I’ll be okay to take time off?
Sam
MAIL DELIVERY SUBSYSTEM
Message not delivered
There was a problem delivering your message to harvard@harvard.edu. See the technical details below.
The response was:
Your email to harvard@havard.edu was rejected due to temporary spam classification. The owner has chosen to temporarily reject emails from Sam22@harvard.edu for the next five years.
SAM, A FORMER HARVARD STUDENT
Oh! Fu-
Nassau Hall – One Week After Harvard Announces Online Classes
Four students stand in the foyer of Nassau Hall for a meeting with the great Institution of Princeton.
The hall is illuminated by flaming braziers as smoke slowly coils up to the ceiling.
A disembodied, floating tiger head appears above the students in the swirling smoke from the braziers.
STUDENTS
We wan—
PRINCETON UNIVERSITY
No!
STUDENTS
But you don’t even know what we want.
PRINCETON UNIVERSITY
We can’t.
STUDENTS
Why not?
PRINCETON UNIVERSITY
We’re poor.
STUDENTS
Really? That’s what you’re going with? You’re poor?
PRINCETON UNIVERSITY
*sweats nervously*
STUDENTS
…
PRINCETON UNIVERSITY
Yes.
Alan Blinder face palms.
STUDENTS
How does that make sense?
PRINCETON UNIVERSITY
Well, let’s do the math. We spend $1,300,000,000 each year.
STUDENTS
ON WHAT? We won’t even be on campus next year. Professors will be at home. So will students. The education quality has plummeted. What are you even paying for?
PRINCETON UNIVERSITY
World class learning opportunities. Virtual meditations. Virtual—- ya know what. We don’t have to justify ourselves to you. We are Princeton.
STUDENTS
…
PRINCETON UNIVERSITY
………………..
STUDENTS
……………………………………..
PRINCETON UNIVERSITY
FINE! We are going to implement a salary freeze to save money. There? Happy?
PROFESSORS
whoa whoa whoa whoa
PRINCETON UNIVERSITY
Shut it. You hardly teach anymore.
STUDENTS
But I thought you said—
The tiger head disappears. The flames go cold. The meeting is over.
Disclaimer:
These exaggerated depictions of Princeton University and the student body’s positions are intended to be satirical. Contrary to what this sketch may suggest, I truly believe the University is doing an excellent job responding to the difficulties of our current situation. I can only imagine how difficult it must be for University leadership to weigh our desire to return to campus for a fulfilling, traditional college experience against the health, wellbeing, and safety of our entire community.