For months, Princeton University has been a frenzied hellscape of construction. (If we hear the godforsaken beeping sound of a truck backing up, we will lose our minds haha!) We hope you enjoy this list, from Nass staff and contributors, of the construction projects that might soon grace this campus.

1. A settlement of straw menstruation huts to cut back on costs.
2. The Enemy Center.
3. A literal pipeline between the Econ department and Goldman Sachs.
4. Another building named with a random number generator between 1900 and 2000.
5. A twenty-person suite called The Colossus.
6. Slot machines, with prizes including priority for making a CPS appointment, airpods, and a Patagonia jacket from eating club lost & found. Installed in an effort to get students off Twitter.
7. An entire res college for the 400 people on the football team.
8. A seven-lane parkway for electric scooters.
9. A new eating club just for people who have done Bridge Year.
10.  An all-day cafe serving fourth-wave, single-origin, fruity light roasts, parsed-back, vegetable-forward small plates (there is one 40oz tomahawk steak per day for $430 though), and responsibly produced, bio-dynamic, oranges, pinks, and purples, with a retail space in the front for carefully considered, sustainable menswear, post-minimalist home goods, and selections from the baristas’ personal record collections.
11.  An iron dome around campus to fend off attacks from alumni whose kids didn’t get in.
12.  A museum documenting the construction of the new art museum.
13.  An eco-friendly student-powered hamster wheel that recent humanities alums have to run on until they can find jobs that make more than 100K.
14.  A doomsday bunker called “Last College”.
15.  An embassy for Junbi and Bumble ambassadors.
16.  A safe space for students to tell their fears and concerns to a hyperrealistic bust of Jill Dolan that smiles and nods her head and occasionally says phrases like “campus community” “acknowledge” and “academic rigor”.
17.  A wishing fountain that only accepts PawPoints instead of coins.
18.  A competitor to the Bent Spoon called the Contorted Fork.
19.  A nudist colony, built solely to ensure that pre-med students will ace their future anatomy classes.
20.  A new D floor of Firestone containing nothing but thousands of copies of Jordan Salama’s book.
21.  The chocolate river from Willy Wonka, but cold brew.
22.  Garden Theater 2 but it only shows Marvel movies.
23.  The removal of all barriers to Princeton, including but not limited to: sidewalk barriers, railings, and walls.
24.  A slip ‘n’ slide on Washington Road.
25.  New College South by Southwest, a forum for enterprising COS333 students to market their products directly to venture capitalists.
26.  A large egg in Cannon Green, to be worshiped daily—rumors say Eisgruber, impregnated by a divine spirit, laid it. Who knows what will hatch?
27.  A new, second Hermès store to replace Murray-Dodge Café.
28.  A real-life political echo chamber.
29.  A third Whig-Clio building for students who are fiscally conservative and socially liberal.
30.  The Mouth Of Hell.
31.  A billboard spanning the entirety of McCosh Courtyard explaining Princeton’s commitment to minimizing construction-related inconvenience.
32.  Mezzanine, balcony seating for Addy Common Room piano performances.
33.  A permanent temporary housing site for students whose dorms are being built.
34.  Crypto.com Arena.
35.  An empty swimming pool to facilitate a cappella riff-offs.
36.  Not the Campus Club Coffee Club or the NCW location but a secret, third location that sells adderall-infused drinks.
37.  Gender.
38.  A modernist-style multi-story apartment complex for the campus fox and his friends and relations.
39.  A collection of upright stones with no known purpose or significance.
40.  A tightrope connecting Fine Hall and New South.
41.  A comically large button next to Nassau Hall that instantly unsubscribes you from listservs.
42.  An exact copy of Kwanza Jones Hall but with unstealable doors.
43.  A New New South to accommodate the Campus’s changing center due to southward expansion.
44.  An eerie, dark, gloomy addition to Chancellor Green donated by Princeton alumna Judy Moody ’81.
45.  Hobson College.
46.  A building made entirely of Dean Jill Dolan’s memos.
47.  Building-to-tent conversion for all on-campus structures.
48.  One singular COVID isolation room.
49.  An official DMZ between Whig and Clio.
50.  A big concrete cube.
51.  An alumni welcome center that takes over all of the land on Poe Field.
52.  The TigerBog, a swampeous mixture surrounding Cloister.
53.  20 more boba stores to reach 500% market saturation.
54.  Prox checkpoints for all Nassau Street businesses.
55.  An arena for eating club presidents to fight to the death.
56.  Several more of those multi-million-dollar pink banquet tables.
57.  A cryogenic chamber to preserve Joseph Schein ’37.
58.  The removal of all pedestrian paths in preparation for a scooters-only campus.
59.  A forcefield around campus to keep out all news of the outside world.
60.  A dodecahedron-shaped monument to commemorate the 12-sided legacy of Woodrow Wilson.
61.  A large painting of a tunnel on the side of Frist for cartoon characters to comically run into, thinking it is real.
62.  Another grocery store five miles from campus with no public transportation to get there.
63.  Paul Bunyan.
64.  The replacement of all the gargoyles on campus with President Eisgruber’s face.
65.  Conversion to a more eco-friendly vertical campus.
66.  Replacing the paths with moving walkways FOR TOURS ONLY.
67.  Cap & Gown 2: 2 Cap 2 Gown.
68.  An immersive historical village for alums to relive their all-male, all-white college experience.
69.  A McDonald’s play pen.
70.  Oil rigs.