Fulbright Fellow: Last time I drank too much I went skinny dipping with a group of seventy-year-old men and vomited freshly slain sheep heart in my mouth.
Devout Catholic to Marxist-Leninist: Who’s going to make the caramel gelato when the revolution comes?
Student: What's the summer recruiting timeline for a Princetonian Jew who wants to be a religious cult leader?
Nass editor: I want to go into journalism but it takes so much confidence and faith...and I’m an atheist with low self-esteem.
Sophomore Ivy hopeful wearing a Canada Goose: I'm sorry I'm a man of the people and I don't know how to spell Moncler.
Senior drama kid: I’m so ready to start preventative Botox at 25. Have you seen Jennifer Aniston?
Patagonia-wearing frat bro: Is anyone here in the 'Badass Marketers and Founders' Facebook group?
Young Nihilist: I mean real talk – I wonder if animals that mate for one season – if they go through the same heartbreak as humans.
Stressed Virgo: I just wish people would send Google Invites for booty calls.
Stressed Virgo, later: I should set up a WASS for my hookups.
Networks professor: When I go to the gym, I always try to use locker 404, because I always forget where I've put my clothes.
Self-declared SWUG: I keep getting weird looks from the guy who lives across from me. I wish I could explain to him that the vibrating noise coming from my room every night is not the sound of me pleasuring myself but rather my electric toothbrush since I'm too lazy to walk 20 feet to the bathroom.
Possible cult member, sophomore: I'm not even that much of a socialist. I just want to help poor people.
Jewish Marxist A's Ivy junior: I love the Nass verbatims, they're so relatable.
Senior TI woman: In a feminist way, I don’t need a penis to have a threesome. But, I do want a penis for a threesome.
Construction worker: I may disappoint Jesus but I would never disappoint you.
Sophomore Pi Phi: After working on a problem set with two bros, I had to join Princeton Students for Gender Equality.
Senior Pi Phi: Wow he went to Africa! Oh wait… I think that's just North Carolina.
St. B's senior: Someone once described Cannon to me as a glorified Chili's
Man: I took a snapchat video at Jewish prayer… is that what they call it? Anyways I found out that was really taboo.
Theta sophomore: I'm at the point where I would be fine with sitting on someone's lap.
Woman 1: Fun fact: my grandfather was a Princetonian from the midwest.
Woman 2: Did he win a Rhodes scholarship?
Woman 1: No, he was Jewish.