Intellectual 1: Dude, how many light years away is the nearest, like, gas station?
Intellectual 2: Like, several?
Girl at front desk, loudly: My grandma was like, “You’re next” and I was like, “Sure. Keep waiting, Grandma. Not happening.”
Sophomore man, after being invited to dinner at Winberie's: Is this a fancy place? Because I have khaki shorts in my bag…
Junior SHARE peer, on 17-year-old Billie Eilish: That girl is SO thicc!
Girl: Hello, Can you please remove me from this listserv? Thanks.
Girl, describing stoic ex-boyfriend: He should have been fucking sobbing because I'm a delight.
Anthropology junior, to professor: I really like your shirt today.
Professor, bewildered: Thank you. [Pause. Then, half-laughing and bringing hands to face.] I don't know if this is something you should say to a professor. It makes me blush.
Exasperated girl: I went to four post offices today and had to take six Ubers.
HUM student, in a precept about Nietzsche: "There should be no shame in relishing the kill."
Freshman who's just over it: I just don't understand what a local motive is.
Terrace shaman: I organise the carbonated water in my fridge based on level of carbonation -- there’s obviously a difference between lightly carbonated, mid-carbonated, and highly carbonated water.
Person #1: You can get your stomach pumped, but you just can’t unsmoke a Tide pod.
Wawa frosh: I can't eat fruit on campus. I have to go to the local farmer's market every Sunday.
First-year, thoughtfully and earnestly: All my friends at other schools are getting hazed right now, and, you know, it'll kinda be cool to be part of it
Washed up athlete, reminiscing: Yeah, he was an alcoholic... so that was cool.
Visibly upset girl, walking alone: Man, fuck the Catholics! God damn it!