Freshman with bangs on Super Tuesday: Loading up the New York Times. I’m such a liberal cuck.
Party Animal: I'm going to get so drunk tonight...it's Super Tuesday!
Senior: You know what would make a great Nass Article? "I tripped for 24 hours in Firestone: Here’s What I Found."
International Senior: Why are they cooking dogs? It really makes me unsettled. I thought that dogs are only killed for cooking in some places in Asia nowadays. I hate this.
Tony Award winning Director/Professor: You don't know for sure that I'm not a mass murderer.
Drunk Guy pointing at parked PSAFE car: Man look at that random car. So random. Oh wait that's PSAFe. Maaaaaannnnnn.
Possessive Junior: Yo, stop reading my cookbook!
Defensive Frosh: I'm trying to learn how to read!
COS Major to Frosh: You aged 20 years this past semester because you're CBE, you dumb bitch.
Frosh: Wow, you're even cooler in person.
Idol: Was I not a person in the dark?
Drunk guy needing to button sleeves: Can you button this for me… damn that's so hot
Rowing freshman: I REFUSE to be at Dick's Sporting Goods for more than an hour.
Healthy Frosh: The hot line is so long. I think half the reason I eat salads is just because I'm so lazy.
Frustrated Sophomore, about Coronavirus: I'm sick of all this isolationist rhetoric–I just want to spend my summer abroad!
Recently single soph: I knew there was something off about him…it was the group sex
TI member: This year I accidentally threw beer on a crowd of parents.They need to be ushered into the new future.
Upset sophomore: The fact that they took Supervillain Island off of Poptropica is literally a hate crime
APES Boy to a table of APES Boys: Dude! You gotta sous-vide the eggs to make an eggs Benedict!
Astute observer: Being white is like vodka— you don’t drink it on its own, but it mixes well with everything else!
Graduating senior: I love Ambien so much… Can't wait to finally have my own prescription one day.