White boy: Elizabeth Warren sucks, but I’ll happily vote for her once Bernie Sanders dies.
EEB senior, to history senior: Wow, we don't get thesis lockers.... all I got was a bag of raccoon shit.
Friend on frosh going through an existential crisis: Just because she's short doesn't mean she'll be a pediatrician.
Politically informed girl, watching the debate: You know who was hot? Franklin Pierce.
Former EIC, reflecting: Sometimes I read the stuff I wrote and I’m like... I didn’t write anything crazy but... definitely imperialist!
Cultural Catholic, on his return to the fold: I want my hatred of Protestants to be rooted in theological rigor.
Professor: If you don't cite your sources properly, you get sent to the D level of Firestone.
Sympathetic friend, to masochist: You’re not a freak! You just have…interesting tastes.
COS boy: None of the SOC classes are funny this year.
Finance bro: Yeah, Poverty in America isn't being offered.
Enlightened frosh on discovering Studio 34: I walked around the corner and found this utopia with a mini mart.
Impassioned junior: It’s literally so rude that JFK told the CIA to kill Marilyn Monroe.
Exasperated Sophomore: I just get put in classes that are like, “You're gonna learn better if you work with other people.” No! False! I'm gonna get angry if I work with other people!
Philosophy professor: It's kind of common knowledge that Scientology is absolute garbage.
Potential managing editor of The Prog: Going into "public service" is either McKinsey, the CIA, or politics — I mean, it's never picking up trash.
Prospective religion major frosh: If Jesus is from the Middle East, why does he have a Hispanic name?
Junior RCA man, on the phone with waitress at Hunan: Good night, beautiful.
Innovative frosh: Do you think if I take a nap on top of my politics readings, I'll absorb the information through osmosis?
Worried student to strangers: Have you seen a taller, older white man in pajama pants?
Wise sophomore: You can’t treat men like human beings or they’ll think you want to sleep with them.
Sophomore, evaluating validity of freshman's opinion: I’m not racist or homophobic, but I am ageist.