Captain, on the overhead announcements: If you’re from England, congratulations to your soccer team on advancing in the Women’s world cup!
British flight attendant, two minutes later: Sorry about our captain, he’s American. He meant football.
Heartbroken roommate: I just downloaded TikTok to look at a few videos about how to have a friend with benefits.
Beautiful, simple, and delicious server: It’s a shame you’re going to have to undergo double amputation for your shin splints. But hey, maybe you’ll become like an Oscar Pistorius type.
Girl: You’re so much more talkative in Minecraft than in real life.
Gamer: This is my happy place.
5 year old: How many hours are in the day?
7 year old: 13 and a half.
5 year old: Oh right.
Another dreamerboy: I had this wild dream that you died in a fire, and Coffee Club was planning a memorial service, and I was asked to make a specialty comp lit themed drink for the occasion.
Dreamerboy: Last night I had a dream that we were parting ways, never to see each other again, and you held up your hand to me and said “Hey man, grand slam.”
Progressive: It’s weird, because sometimes fascists identify the same problems with liberalism that I do, but then I’m like, ‘Wait a minute, I don’t like you.’
Drama-hungry boss: I could set you up with [coworker].
21 year-old intern: Isn’t he 32?
Boss: So? His uncle is the president of the company.
Guy, finding out he’s been verbatimed: ”That’s the most terrifying thing I’ve ever heard in my life.”
A good old friend: “Okay, we’re going to have eat fast—I have a meeting at 6.”
Former big baby: “I was a big baby.”
Former small baby: “Yeah, I see that for you.”
Enamored HUM Student: “I feel like not many books make me feel, but Virginiana Woolf makes me FEEL.”
Professor: “What’s happening in the text here?”
Student: “A white woman moment.”
Film critic: “Channing Tatum is a really good actor.”
Film critic: “I mean he's really good at playing a big dumb guy who can move.”
Cooked sophomore: “What you’ve gotta understand is that at heart, I’m a hater.”
Masterful misogynist: “Women should give birth alone, it teaches them independence.”
Wistful worker: “Where’s my long-legged socialist? Where’s my ethereal bisexual?”
The One Who Asks: “I’ll be a vigilante chicken killer. I’ll only kill the chickens who did wrong.”
Cow-Stapler Hater: “Cows don't have red tails.”
Defensive Professor: “Cows also aren't staplers.”
Senior 1, sweating in the sun: “I put on sunscreen today, but I'm worried it won't be enough.”
Senior 2, British: “God is my sunscreen.”