Woke white man: Elizabeth Warren sucks, but I’ll happily vote for her once Bernie Sanders dies.
COS professor while playing Gregorian chants before class: Well, I like it. My wife HATES Gregorian chants.
Theater kid: So I went up to my room and put some peppermint essential oil on my nips…
Classics Major: Ever since Oedipus, I haven't looked at my mom the same.
Friend reevaluating this friendship: I feel like you should continue this conversation…without me.
Woman professor to woman student: Though I'm usually on your side, we must at least sometimes recognize that men are also human beings.
Jaded senior, discussing baby yoda: Like, you’re so cute, but you’re a product of a megacorporation.
Gay man voting for Pete Buttigieg: I thought I got into Princeton because my mom was a legacy and I applied as a Classics Major, but I just learned about pretty privilege and it might be because of the symmetry of my face.
Exasperated frosh: You know how to code but not how to split screen your windows?
Sentimental friend: Did I mention how much I missed you?
Indifferent friend: Really? Oh, good job.
Former Ivy social chair: THIS is what I miss the most about college.
Inquisitive professor: Why are you laughing? You can tell me, you know I'm confidential. Though the university requires me to say that I'm not confidential. *pause* Come see me after class.
Underclassman: Adoption is more sustainable. It's like thrifting but for kids.
White boy: Elizabeth Warren sucks, but I’ll happily vote for her once Bernie Sanders dies.
EEB senior, to history senior: Wow, we don't get thesis lockers.... all I got was a bag of raccoon shit.
Friend on frosh going through an existential crisis: Just because she's short doesn't mean she'll be a pediatrician.
Politically informed girl, watching the debate: You know who was hot? Franklin Pierce.
Former EIC, reflecting: Sometimes I read the stuff I wrote and I’m like... I didn’t write anything crazy but... definitely imperialist!
Cultural Catholic, on his return to the fold: I want my hatred of Protestants to be rooted in theological rigor.
Professor: If you don't cite your sources properly, you get sent to the D level of Firestone.
Sympathetic friend, to masochist: You’re not a freak! You just have…interesting tastes.
COS boy: None of the SOC classes are funny this year.
Finance bro: Yeah, Poverty in America isn't being offered.