Frustrated middle-aged man: You can have my vote, I don't care WHO you are—if you can end daylight savings time. I’m like, DONE!!
Prince Writer: Don't take it personally — I came out of the womb a bitch.
Princeton alum, talking about how the world probably ended in 2012: Yeah, so everything post Harambe has been total nonsense.
Woman, to roommate: It's not that I hate your pants. It's that I think you have a shopping addiction.
Sleep-deprived frosh to other sleep-deprived frosh: Let's all put our serotonin in a pile and split it.
Sophomore 1: God is ORFE.
Sophomore 2, emphatically: God is NOT ORFE!
Ivy junior applying to Bain: I don't have a disability but sometimes I get anxious…
Neurotic male frosh: If I could perpetually exist in one place, purgatory style, it would be Charter Friday.
Overenthusiastic theatre frosh: Trina Vega's “Chicago” birthed the fourth wave of feminism.
Excited APES senior: Wait, there’s ‘big bootie’ for studying?
Aimless senior: Should I do Teach for America?
Mom: Does that mean you have to be a teacher?
Environmentally-minded Ivy senior: I just really want to screw over the oil barons.
Other Ivy senior: My uncle's an oil baron…
ML Catholic, upon hearing about Uber Helicopter: What?! What is this?? Money is the root of all evil.
Disgruntled study buddy: If you can’t offer lo-fi sex music, why are we friends?
Freshman boy to girl, romantically: Have you ever been to the towpath? Apparently it's very nice.
Geographically inept freshman: Why don't you have a southern drawl?
South Dakota native: I'm not from the South.
Theta junior: We need to take a moment to talk about Timothée Chalamet – he's so hot!
Theta soph: Wait, let me tigerbook him.
Frosh starting tech week: Do you ever get blueballed but like emotionally?