RCA, about a college T-shirt: The only time I will touch that shirt is when there is a spill that needs to be cleaned up.
Sister approaching mental breakdown: I swear to God if there's food in there I will slap-
Sister removing a ziploc bag from a drawer: No, it's just hair.
Young Theologian: Since when does God occupy that kind of real-estate in my mind? At most he can come over for drinks on the patio sometimes.
White Boy: I think a lot of other pasty white people besides me are also in love with Phoebe Bridgers
Taiwanese-Mexican Boy: Wait, what does pasty mean? Is that like WASP-y?
Dude 1: This is the smoothest vape around.
Dude 2: That's like the worst sentence I've ever heard.
Monster Rights Activist: YOU'RE NOT GOING TO CONVINCE ME THAT THE ONE AT FAULT HERE IS CHUPACABRA'S MOM
Aggressive Feminist: You know how men used to take off their glove and throw it on the ground to declare war? I feel like women should just *violently gestures to remove bra and throw it on the ground*
Jaded Younger Sister: You know, when I say that I'm going to fail a test, I actually do. Next time, commit
Is anyone else getting TikToks about the CIA documents about alternate timelines and energy holograms or is it just me?
First Year Girl, to her friend: I shouldn't have gone halfway through the semester before I realized I could get the guys to do my work.
Disgruntled Soph: Literally who let me pick a major when I was constantly stoned because engineering is not where it's at.
Math major: Dude the internet might go down. If the virus gets into the servers…
White Cottage male with an AEI backpack: You can't get coronavirus if you get hit by a car.
Girl, pining for European boyfriend: I would not like to marry a circumcised man
Mother, letting out cry of surprise: Oh!
Authoritative 2D senior: There are actually many Brooklyn based Witches.
Tenured Comp Lit Professor: If you could draw this sentence as a topographical map, what would it show?
Sophomore trickster: I played an April Fool's prank and no one noticed it!
Me: What did you do?
Sophomore trickster: I died the toilet water yellow.