Recent graduate after meeting with a Princeton career advisor: “I feel like she’s going to peel off her skin and reveal that she’s an alien who eats resumes for sustenance.”

Candid student: “Why would we go to the Whitman library? Do you hate joy?”

Chaotic SPIA major: “Gavin Newsom is so hot.” Concerned friend: “Would you quit it with that? You need to go to therapy.”

Frequently verbatimed senior: “How do you write that in a verbatim? Eye Contact, gay handsigns?”

Feminist: “And the best part is they literally objectify men!”

Uninvited guest: “Your room is so not child-friendly.” Resident: “Are you a child?”

Bro 1: “I love to eat pussy.” Bro 2: “I love the smell of laundry.”

Simple-needs sophomore: “My love language is simple. You should be fucking obsessed with me.”

Gimmicky anthro major: “And the whole epistemological gag of the thing is…”

A true friend: “I feel like you sell yourself short in the Russian department.”

While watching someone sing to Taylor Swift: “You’re awakening my latent homosexuality.”

Wandering Theta junior: “I was conceived on 9/11, the day of America’s greatest tragedy.”