Navigator of befuddled aspirations: “Yeah.. I was at a pregame last week and like, we just sat around and talked — there was no, like, activity…so I guess it was just like, a networking pregame?”

Person who has walked many paths in life: “I beat the former prime minister of Palestine at a game of trivia.”

Apocalypse Advocate, dreamily: “If the apocalypse happened in our time, we would barely remember capitalism.”

Race Theorist: “White guys love talking to Black people. It makes them feel cool.”

Student who’s in over his head: “I make literary references so people think I’m clever.”

Girl: “All the eating clubs are bad…the Blackest music they know is Starships.”

Friend after hearing an acquaintance’s name: ‘That sounds like a pornstar name for colonialism.”

Former Ivy bickeree: “Other than us, who do you think has the richest interior life?”

A realistic romantic reflecting on long-distance relationships: “An hour is kind of far. I wouldn’t even settle for Forbes.”

Preppy architecture major: “So, are you interested in the architecture of—” Tired classmate: “Dude, I’m just trying to build some things.”

Determined junior: “I’m in a war of attrition with my Coffee Club crush. And I intend to win.”

Wide-eyed junior: “How do you buy sweatpants? Are they widely available?”