Distracted student: How can I slay in these conditions?

Aspiring president: I want to be normal in a way that appeals to nursing unions and Irish Catholics. Aspiring campaign manager: You’re already normal. For god’s sake, you wear khakis!

New College West inhabitant: “I’m loving these alternative dining halls.”

Friend on couch: “Of these three books, which one did Sally Rooney write…Jane Eyre, Wuthering Heights, or Normal People?” Barista tamping espresso: “Well, it’s not Jane Eyre.”

Ivy bro: “I’ve been spending way too much money on OnlyFans recently.”

Fan-fic addict: “I know you’re not into explicit gay sex, but I’m going to recommend something that has… a lot of it.”

Broke college students: “What if we sold Pickle Me Elmo?”

Bridesmaid: “It’s gonna be the straightest thing I’ve participated in. She’s fully marrying a man.”

Unabashed sadomasochist: “Did you ever play the game where you squeeze the lemons in each other’s eyes?”

Serious student: “Alright, enough messing around. I’m resorting to lo-fi.”

Consultant boy: “It’s not union busting, it’s strategic realignment to maximize shareholder value.”

Gay junior: “I don’t know. You just sort of have a gay face.”