Newly single girl: “What’s the deal with the male gaze these days? What are you guys into?” Man with gaze: “A woman wearing something shiny or maybe having something jangly like keys will catch my attention twice as often as a conventionally beautiful woman.”

Lovebird 1: I’ll be your shark Lovebird 2: I’ll be your grim reaper

Zee 1: What IS a chill pill in the real world? Sagacious RCA: Xanax Zee 2: Do you need a prescription for that?

Man in t-shirt: I feel underdressed for this Uno game

Eager post-grind celebrant: So is it a strip club or a gay sex thing? Either way I’m down.

Questionable passenger: I get greedy when I sleep with my grandfather.

Junior girl: Ugh, werewolves. Last night, I had this 28-year-old guy in my dorm room, from Bumble. Ugh, his facial hair was gross.

Supportive friend: She doesn’t need a mallet, she needs a mullet! Mullet-reluctant woman: I don’t know if I want a mullet. Supportive friend: It’s not about what you WANT, it’s about what you NEED.

Grapefruit fan: I like when things explode in my mouth

Wary customer: What flavors are th- oh, do you not want to know? Adventurous customer: Sometimes it’s better not to know.

Preceptor: How, Karl? How the fuck are we supposed to do that?

Friend of Jewish people: I feel like I have a Snapchat streak going with Shabbat right now