Resigned reporter: “The sex scandal is that I haven’t had sex.”

Thesising senior: “We’ll see if I become a raging fiend of productivity in the next thirty minutes.”

Dedicated student: “Sometimes I sit out in the cold and don’t let myself get warm until I’m done with my reading.”

Encouraging professor to grad student: “You could do a study of the healing effects of coffee shops!”

History major: “I will say, the French were PRETTY atheist once they got over being pretty Catholic.”

Sex-starved senior: “Do you ever get an orgasm when you figure out a good transition in your thesis?”

Second-year premed: “I couldn’t figure out how to fit my life into a writing sem formula and it almost broke me.”

Economics grad student: “Look at it this way… rich people always want more houses!”

Gay 1: “She’s wavering on Terrace, I’ve heard.” Gay 2: “We can’t let that happen. We can’t.”

Vindictive volunteer: “I’m not really a community service type of girl.”

Marxist: “One of my great contradictions is that I have populist airs but read the New York Book Review.”

Fearful fun-seeker: “We can’t go to a dive bar. What if somebody asks me to arm wrestle?” Sympathetic friend: “That will probably happen.” Fearful fun-seeker: “Fine. Let me get a pump in.”