Cooked sophomore: “I’m sorry I’m into tall, presidential women.”

Professor: It’s giving silver spoon.

Proselytizing man: Do you understand the legal implications of why Jesus had to die?

Ivy Member: I *am* against abuse.

Intellectual international student: America tastes fake. I say it in all honesty.

Rural chauvinist: Oh, you go to Princeton? Name three white alcoholics in Cap & Gown.

Girl wearing a big gold cross: “Big news. I’m dating the French guy in my class.” Friend: “The annoying one?” Girl: “No, the other one. We talked so much about the Bible.”

Professor of Music: The amount of musicians that came out of law school…it’s the greatest conservatory!

Pensive German Major, on Twitter nemesis: I wonder if I could get her kicked out of Stanford

Recently handsome man: Everyone keeps telling me that my haircut looks nice, but I didn’t get a haircut… Real friend: … Recently handsome man: It’s just growing out. Real friend: Oh, so they just haven’t seen you in a while. Recently handsome man: Yeah, and I guess they didn’t like my haircut before.

Grunge frosh, reading Dante: “This feels like Bob Dylan.”

Flushed partygoer: “We look like we’ve been drinking, but really we’re just sweaty from air hockey.”