Philosopher: humor is the condom of life

Critical observer, watching Italian art film: I’d rather see his ass than his face.

Medievalist: Actually, I find premodernity to be the most postmodern

Professor: And how do we define “Latin Lover”?

Crochet enthusiast: I won’t be able to access deep focus mode until I put on some pants.

Cooked sophomore: Hell of a song to pregame shabbat to.

Surprisingly impressed ooze-eater: I can tell everyone I came here for the black ooze

Potentially perverted junior: My JP is like Penis. Penis. Vagina. Incest. Mouth stuff. Butt stuff. Mind stuff.

Friend 1: Is it good? Friend 2: It’s really good. Friend 1: Really Good? Friend 2: Yes. Yes yes. Yes! Friend 1: You’re buzzed. Friend 2: No, I’m BASED

Proud roommate: I drank, gambled, and smoked my way through four Eastern European countries.

Prospective father: “If someone presented me with a baby right now, I would eat it.”

Self-described “rescue person” in a ponytail and a cape: “Call me Robin Hood, the way I steal from the Whit and give to the Forbes!”