Masterful misogynist: “Women should give birth alone, it teaches them independence.”

Wistful worker: “Where’s my long-legged socialist? Where’s my ethereal bisexual?”

The One Who Asks: “I’ll be a vigilante chicken killer. I’ll only kill the chickens who did wrong.”

Cow-Stapler Hater: “Cows don’t have red tails.” Defensive Professor: “Cows also aren’t staplers.”

Senior 1, sweating in the sun: “I put on sunscreen today, but I’m worried it won’t be enough.” Senior 2, British: “God is my sunscreen.”

Preppy student #1, locking up scooter: “I think I might have to start living with a poor person.” Preppy student #2: “Can I verbatim that?” Preppy student #1: “No!”

Sleep-deprived student’s search bar: ‘why am i always tired?’ Sleep-deprived student’s search bar after a few seconds of anxious reading: ‘can cancer cause fatigue?’

Confused male: “My sister and I are going to have a kid.”

Catholic child: Why can’t Jesus be a baguette?

Starstruck sophomore: I just shook hands with Jeff Bezos in Effron. My fight or flight response kicked in, and I chose flight in that moment.

Inquisitive reader: I wonder if I’ve ever been in a nassau weekly verbatim

Woman-lover: My sexuality is super woman