Woke Humanist: I was in the diversity seminar for English majors who didn’t want to read Black authors – Irish Studies.

Distracted student ignoring lecture, texting: *sends link to article on the risks of magic mushrooms* Well I guess we’re sticking to edibles then

Disillusioned campus conservative: I’m so done with this school. I should have just gone to PragerU.

Curious first year: What do you do in Sustainable Investments Club? Does anyone there actually care about sustainability? Sold-out first year: I think sustainability’s nice.

Frat-coded guy: Dude, are you a Gemini?

Desperately relevant chem professor: Trigger Warning: Chemistry!

Boyfriend: There should be a cooking show where everyone moans.

Baseball player: You could die like now. Sometimes I think about that during the day. Other baseball player: *silent, pensive nod*

Junior on vacation: Just played blackjack with a BILLIONAIRE. Junior on vacation, forty minutes later: Peep the mani/pedi.

European grad student: We might need an alternative, yes, but if they’re not selling crates and barrels at Crate and Barrel I will be VERY disappointed.

Freshman: I miss when Brandy Melville was body-negative

Frosh, scrolling through phone: “I should major in Instagram reels.”