Elevator eunuch: I’m not very patient, but I’m also not a walker…especially upstairs.

Brave white woman: Can you stop talking, because I haven’t liked anything you’ve said for the past hour.

Just a girl brewing tea: Guys, life is about making beverages.

Sedatephobic professor: If you’re not talking I’m going to keep talking. I fear a vacuum.

Dreamer: In my dream, my mom sliced my head open with a hammer/knife and then we were running around everywhere, and my head was just bleeding, and I was happy. I didn’t like it.

Beautiful, innocent, sweet, and doe-eyed brunette: Could I please have a steamed lemonade, stud? Big-boned stallion man: Coming right up, sugartits.

Avid Nass reader: Be honest guys, do you ever make up verbatims? Nass member: No, noooo….why would we ever do that? Avid Nass reader, nodding pensively: Sometimes they’re just too funny to be true.

Gay man: Gay twins scare the shit out of me.

Former HUM student: I want to embrace the Russian tradition of suffering.

Promiscuous Freshman Bottom: Because when it’s uncut the tip has a little tang to it.

Athlete, talking to a group of childless parents: That writing class…most important moment of your life, probably.

Fed-up frosh: If all the men here are assholes, they might as well be 6-foot assholes.