An American, likely: Jenny got back to me on the communist presbyterians.

Hypercritical reader: You should go to confession. You should beg God for forgiveness if you write a poem this bad. This has probably taken away 15 minutes of life that I will, like, never get back.

Over-it: Ah, here it is. The carefully gendered and ethnically balanced group of acne-free Princeton students.

Critical theorist: Where the best pastrami can be found is a major theological debate. Student: Which school do you subscribe to?

Scholar of the Civil War: We’re not going to bed any fellows that we shouldn’t be bedfellows with. That’s to say, we shouldn’t have a union with slaveholders.

A frustrated diver: Getting wet is the hardest part.

Professor, on Abraham Lincoln: He was an ugly giant. A real nobody. He had a high, ugly voice. He once said, “It’s good I’m not two-faced, cause nobody would want to see two of these.”  Unconvinced junior: You’re talking like you knew him. Professor: I did. I bullied him in high school.

Yearning addict: It’s a reflex.

Females these days: I want to dress pretty and yap. I want something warm inside me. I love men.

Ambitious, hardened woman: I don’t want to be up at midnight helping some stupid kids, I wanna be in bed at midnight in my mansion.

Disillusioned by American desserts: There’s no taste. It’s just something white in my mouth.

Discerning mentor: You should be thankful if you get someone that is 5’6 on Princeton Campus.  Needs help: I can’t tell how tall he actually is because he wears Doc Martens.