Millennial dudebro professor: I had a friend in high school, we called her ‘Sniggles,’ because she laughed with her lips closed… like… teee heeee… heee hee heee…

Robert George: The way he came up to me in a fuck ass bob and straight up asked me what kind of gay I was…it was the highlight of my night.

Aroused, yet learned academic: He’s some sort of existential masturbator. 

Editor of the Nassau Weekly: My family hires Amish people because they’re cheap.

11th-year grad student: The only reason we’re not insane right now is truly just a lack of imagination.

Professor recounting his weekend: I gave a little speech comparing marriage to the Soviet Gulag.

Cereal snob, side-eyeing M&Ms in milk: It’s okay what you’ve done.

Social scientist who desperately wants to be more quantitative: I had to teach my magician friend Bayes’ Theorem to get him to learn that one.

Sweaty girl: I was running for five minutes and it felt like an hour…I really need to increase my durability.

Bored by Putin: If you’re going to have a cult of personality, at least start with a personality.

Sees the art in everything: Late night at Frist is pure Hopper.

Pedagogue, cracking slowly but surely: The first question is how do we read this? Is she literally laughing to herself? Presumably, she doesn’t say HA, HA. Perhaps, this giggle is the start of madness. A clue that she’s literally losing her mind here.