Steamy, typo-ridden erotic novel: ‘I could hear her exhaling steam.’  Concerned reader: Why was she exhaling steam? That doesn’t sound very healthy. 

A humanist, shackled by BSE: I don’t have time to read Proust. I’m searching for my own lost time.

Thinks Coke Zero is better: Zero coke people are notoriously very adamant.

J.D. Vance: The Greeks were so advanced because they embraced homosexuality. But then the women ruined everything.

Over-it intern: Everyday I listen to my coworker’s homeopathy TikToks aloud.

Obsessed stalker: Tell her I miss her. Intermediary: What about her? Obsessed stalker: Her jokes…her thirst for hot guys…that time she ate frozen pineapple. 

Linguist: I can’t tell if he’s gay or South African. If you saw him or talked to him once, you’d get it.

People-pleaser with a streak of narcissism: If people ask me to do something I am often too flattered to say no.

PTL GSS Senior: Burrata is the manliest cheese.

Voice of reason: Just make shortbread. The people will thank you for being brave.

Just declared SPIA: Athens, the land of my people. Greek: Are you half Greek? Just declared SPIA: No. I just believe in democracy.

Upper-class professor: What’s your plan for next year? Upper-class senior: Probably some unserious grad program. Upper-class professor: Well, there are plenty of those. Just make sure it’s paid. Paid grad programs are welfare for the upper class.