Denim-clad iconoclast: I already know her. I don’t define people by their DFMOs.

Low-brow: What really gets her riled up? High-brow: Beautiful, beautiful men exhibiting immaturity. And intimate colonization.

Comp Lit HAG: I was about to get pissed that a couple was all lovey dovey before I looked up and saw it was 2 guys.

Math major: Can I get a different basketball? This one is too oval-shaped.

Avid surfer, interning for hedge fund: There’s an inverse relationship between time surfing and caring about philosophy.

Obnoxiously loud blonde man: Yeah physics isn’t really that hard, what’s your major, I’m ECE. Nervous bystander: I think I should get back to my work now.

Sick psycho: It’s just ontologically evil…I hate Joni Mitchell!

Male professor, excitedly: We’re all women. College professors are all women. We get to spend our whole lives talking.

Revolutionary, wearing heart-print bottoms: It’s 2024. Time to be a wholesome whore.

Freaky with fruit: I find that smoking flavors the apple.

Pussy magnet: Friend just adopted two kittens, they are so cute. They love to sit between my big meaty calves.

Has men figured out: Even if his hair grows out, his maturity won’t.