1. When I was five, I stole five dollars from your bedside table, but I felt too guilty to spend it.
2. When we went through the house, I took your favorite wallet and put the five dollars in it.
3. I went to the bank to get pennies because you always had pennies in your wallet.
4. Having pennies is entirely useless, as it turns out. I can’t buy anything with them, and I am too embarrassed to tip with a few dollars’ worth of pennies.
5. I wore an A-line dress to the funeral.
6. I wore the same A-line dress to my concert because I grew out of my concert black.
7. When I sent out the link to buy tickets for the concert, I included you out of habit.
8. Someone else has your number now. He blocked me.
9. We played a Chopin piece that you would have liked.
10. I messed up a lot, but no one said anything.
11. People have been very nice to me lately.
12. James just got a promotion. We went out for a nice dinner to celebrate.
13. He took a phone call after, and I overheard him say that he wanted to break up with me but that he planned to wait because I was “too unstable” at the moment.
14. When he came back in, I was crying. I imagine he attributed the tears to my general instability.
15. I think I want to go abroad. 
16. Maybe to somewhere warm with a beach where I don’t need to learn a new language.
17. A family friend, someone you’ve never met, told me that if I learn a much different language, with a different grammatical structure and syntax, I would be able to forget you.
18. I assume he was referring to my grief, that I would stop grieving, but I didn’t take it well.
19. I haven’t been home since you died. I flew straight from school to you.
20. I’m not sure if Mom is doing well.
21. She started working out and tracking her meals.
22. Dad tells me that she is “fine,” though she calls me less than normal.
23. She’s probably not doing well, but Dad is in his own world as always.
24. The leaves are turning on campus. I know that they will fall soon.
25. When I don’t feel like doing anything, I put on workout clothes and one of James’ sweatshirts and run until I can’t breathe. Then I sit on the dock and watch the water until I can breathe again.
26. I miss you a lot.
27. Every night before I sleep, I look through my camera roll to find pictures of you.
28. I don’t have enough.
29. I came home for a week to help Mom and Dad consolidate our belongings.
30. Soon we will live in a house that you have never seen.
31. I broke up with James a few weeks after I wrote to you.
32. I also stopped running and stayed in bed.
33. I never went abroad or learned a new language.
34. At the time, I forgave myself because I was in mourning.
35. I’m still mourning, and everyone seems to have forgotten.
36. On a particularly bad night, I deleted every photo we had together, and it makes me hate myself.
37. Mom is still doing “fine” and Dad doesn’t like to talk about you.
38. When I come home, I wait until they are asleep and pull down the photo albums to look at you.
39. Mom is as old as you were when you died.
40. You are both so beautiful.

Lists are a language for Evelyn Wellmon.