1. PARFIT

Attractiveness Scale: 10/10

• I mean… look at him, he’s gorgeous.

How likely is it that their work will make me cry: 3/10 (might tear up a little)

• When reading philosophical essays, philosophers have the tendency to say a whole lot with only a little. Parfit, on the other hand, gives it to us straight. Some might think his layman-like essays do not make him worthy to be on the top of the list, but I say it’s a welcome reprieve from the usual drab philosophical essays.

Notes

• Derek Antony Parfit is the best philosopher of all time. His hair is as beautiful as his philosophical essays, and his smile is as radiant as his thoughts. Maybe it is his suave looks or maybe it’s his charismatic aura (charisma is basically dripping off of him), but we can forget some of his more confusing essays in favor of watching his hair flow in the wind. Parfit’s essays are perfect for all who have an interest in delving into philosophy

2. PLATO 

Attractiveness Scale: 4/10

• I would suggest he invests in some hair growth oil, or maybe at least a comb. Plato does get extra points for the cool pose (very philosopher-like).

How likely is it that their work will make me cry: 5/10 (quietly crying in Firestone)

• Crying in Firestone seems to be a rite of passage for Princeton students so I won’t rate Plato too high on the likely-to-make-you-cry scale. But he will make you shed a few tears every now and again.

Notes

• Though Plato might not be the best-looking lad, this Greek philosopher took the world by storm with his conception of ethics. Plato always comes in clutch when it comes to making you rethink your existence (in a good way).

3. SOCRATES

Attractiveness Scale: 4/10

Socrates once said, “I cannot teach anyone, I can only make them think.” Yeah, he’ll make us think about if there is any possible way for us to go back to a time where we weren’t having an existential crisis.

How likely is it that their work will make to me cry: 6/10 (might have to go the bathroom to cry)

Socrates is funny sometimes, but his humorous quotes are not appreciated when it’s 2 a.m. and you’re trying to read his 300-page dissertation on why we should care about our soul.

Notes:

Also known as the father of all philosophy (daddy?), Socrates is the original playboy. Everyone, and I mean everyone, fangirls over him. Why? Well, he basically thought of every philosophical theory known to man. Though he might confuse you now and again, you can’t really call yourself a philosopher without reading the classics.

4. DESCARTES 

Attractiveness Scale: 6/10

• I know a few people who would kill to have his hair (maybe he used it to disguise his evilness). While I can’t say I’m a fan of his philosophy, I am a fan of the looks he’s serving.

How likely is it that their work will make me cry: 8/10 (sobbing *loudly*)

• There are a number of ways to make yourself cry, some watch sad movies, some listen to sad songs. Philosophy students read Descartes.

Notes

• If you enjoy being happy… Descartes is not the way to go. His philosophy not only makes you rethink your existence but also makes you wonder if existing really matters. His essays are enough to make the best of us cry. I think, therefore I am? More like he thinks, and we get confused.

5. HUME

Attractiveness Scale: 6/10

• He gets extra points for the outfit, but there is a cold dead look in his eyes that reflects his need to be the bane of every philosopher’s existence.

How likely is it that their work will make me cry: 100/10 (sobbing uncontrollably)

•  This man seems to use the same three words to write a one-thousand-word essay. Procrastinators should study this man’s work, he took the job of reaching the word count to a whole new level.

Notes

• Though he might look innocent, David Hume’s philosophical essays are a quick way to get a good cry. Do you enjoy the sounds of innocents suffering? GREAT! Stop by any philosophy class on campus when we start talking about Hume.

Final Thoughts 

While there have been many philosophers throughout time, these five definitely stand out. They’ll make you sob, maniacally laugh, and reconsider if you actually wanted to take a philosophy class. Take what you will from this list. Maybe some of you really enjoy being miserable (Socrates can help with that), or maybe some of you want to ask Parfit what conditioner he uses, whatever you do, just don’t read Hume (I’m serious).