This fall semester, the Princeton College Republicans have been distributing ‘RAGE WITH ROMNEY’ frat tanks to students. According to a confidential source within the organization, these are not simply merchandise but, in fact, giveaways from a private ‘Rage With Romney’ summer event hosted by the candidate himself at his New Hampshire estate. This source has also provided the Nassau Weekly with the schedule, distributed to all guests, reprinted here:

Itinerary of “Rager”

From the desk of Willard Mitt Romney

Ground rules:

-One (1) Milk Chug per guest.

-Do not tip the help.

-No roughhousing.

-No canoodling.

-NO CUSSING!!

-Thank Ann.

Directions:

Directions have been provided to your driver.

Schedule:

4:30 PM – Guests arrive “fashionably late.”

4:35 PM – Prayer.

5:00 PM – Grace before pizza supper.

5:20 PM – Pizza supper.

6:00 PM – Film screening: Wall Street (1987) – First half.

7:00 PM – Sunset horseback ride (guest must provide own horse).

7:45 PM – Silent prayer for sun to rise again.

8:15 PM – Shame-sharing.

8:30 PM – Penitence.

8:45 PM – Monopoly tournament

12:30 AM – Presentation of Monopoly tournament prizes

(1st place: $10,000. 2nd place: Not outsourced.)

1 AM – Mormon fuck-frenzy (“sexy” temple garments provided).

3 AM – Prayer.