Dear Wise Wendy,
How do you snookle a pookieboogle?
Snook-Curious
Dear Curious,
Carefully and quietly. And in the dark of night.
Wise Wendy
Dear Wise Wendy,
I’m trying to buy a lawnmower. How????
Overgrown
Dear Overgrown,
Is this a euphemistic lawnmower? Don’t feel like you need to shave just to please a man. It’s totally unfair to you, and also leaves you raw and exposed. And bumpy. Also, five o’clock shadow on your flower of love is unbecoming of a lady. You should probably just wax, or you can do what I do, which is very easy. I use tweezers to pull out each hair individually. Hours of fun!
Wise Wendy
Dear Wise Wendy,
Should I bake from scratch, or are out-of-the-box recipes allowed?
Muffin Man
Dear Muffin Top,
You are too fucking fat to be baking. Steam some celery and get your ass on a treadmill. If you really want to bake, out-of-the-box treats work. You can drop them off in my mailbox any time this week. Now get sweating.
Wise Wendy
Dear Wise Wendy,
I’m having metaphysical angst. Which famous western philosopher should I turn to?
Unmediated A Priori Angster
Dear UAPA (FUPA?),
I would recommend Ludwig Feuerbach, particularly his work entitled The Essence of Christianity. It is chock-full of interesting postulates about the nature of man and of God, and of man’s conception of this “God,” and of the irreconcilable differences between God and Nature.
I also like Dr. Phil.
Wise Wendy
Dear Wise Wendy,
Have you seen my car keys?
You Know
Dear You,
If you hadn’t misplaced my vibrator, I wouldn’t have been forced to take your car keys. You just keep that in mind, asshole.
Wise Wendy
Dear Wise Wendy,
What is the best way to park between the parking lines of a parking space?
Miss Daisy
Dear Daisy,
I actually never learned how to park. However, I’ve devised a few methods that work exceptionally well. If you are in a parking lot, it’s pretty simple to just steer between the two lines. Can you see over the wheel? That helps. Parallel parking is a little harder. We don’t actually do that where I’m from. Nor do we let white people marry black people. I guess you just kind of bump around like pinball for that one. If you think you’ll be nervous doing so, pop a few Ativan about an hour before you plan to start driving. That, and maybe a glass of wine, will calm you right down. Good luck!
Wise Wendy
Dear Wise Wendy,
Can you pop blimps? What about pimples? Nipples?
I Just Turned in My Thesis and Have Too Much Free Time
Dear Steve Sasson,
I once popped a pimple that was on my nipple and the resulting pus offshoot was so powerful that it, in turn, popped a blimp. They are now suing me. Beat that!
Wise Wendy
Dear Wise Wendy,
I’ve been having this dream a lot where I have sex with my sister. How would you interpret this?
Accidental Incest
Dear Accidental,
This question is all relative. Are you a girl? Once, I had a sex dream about my mother. I was pleasuring her orally—lip to lip, you could say—when these purple tentacles emerged from her lady parts to caress my face. I woke up in a cold, screaming sweat. My dream obviously means that I would not fare well in Japan. Did your dream also have tentacles? I need more details.
Wise Wendy
Dear Wise Wendy,
Look at my face. What am I trying to tell you?
I Am Angry
Dear Angry,
I love you too! I’m so glad you finally said something about it because just sitting here waiting for you for all of these months has been totally unbearable. Did you get my candy-gram? Now that you’ve declared your love, I can tell you what I did with your girlfriend’s body!
Wise Wendy
Dear Wise Wendy,
How many are three googles of geese?
Good for the Gander
Dear Gandalf,
3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105820974944592307816406286208998628034825342117067982148086513282306647093844609550582231725359408128481117450284102701938521105559644622948954930381964428810975665933446128475648233786783165271201909145648566923460348610454326648213393607260249141273724587006606315588174881520920962829254091715364367892590360011330530548820466521384146. That’s only a rough estimate.
Wise Wendy
Dear Wise Wendy,
I spilled bleach on my white dress. What should I do??
Stupid Girl
Dear Stupid,
You should just go naked. That is the best way to handle spills.
Wise Wendy
Dear Wise Wendy,
Which genre of music is better, new age or old age?
N.D.
Dear N.D.,
I am nearing old age. Is this a question about ageism? I’m still spry enough to shove my walker up your nose.
Wise Wendy