Christian Group, to unsuspecting student: “Do you want prayer?”

Oblivious onlooker: “Everyone looks so happy out on the grass!” Observant onlooker: “I think they’re protesting.”

Exuberant sophomore: “This is going to be such a fun study break!” Baffled straight man: “What, masturbating?”

Supportive friend: I’m glad to brighten up your day with gossip. And not just any gossip… invented gossip!

Worn-out senior after physics lab: “I don’t care about Brownian motion! It’s random and that’s all I need to know.” Realistic junior: “That’s not true. You don’t need to know anything. 99% of people know nothing about Brownian motion and they lead happy, successful lives.”

Writer: I feel like Freud would have a lot to say about this. Other writer: I don’t know much about Freud. Writer: Me neither.

Frosh, having just awoken from a nap: Bro, Princeton is easy. Don’t you know we have a 98% graduation rate?

Philosophizing girl talking to her friend: It’s so much easier to assume that everyone is wrong than it is to assume that anyone is right.

Introspective Sophomore: I enjoy being de-personified.

Future dictator: I was thinking about applying to the honor committee so I could know what it feels like to be corrupted by power.

Upset sophomore: The fact that they took Supervillain Island off of Poptropica is literally a hate crime

Smug Sophomore: I’m writing an essay for Creative Nonfiction about a mathematician’s relationship to chalkboards.