Whiteboard: Corey, this is an intervention. Your aggressive, seemingly perpetual barrage of masturbation has become not only a distraction, but a downright cause for concern. Clearly you have the forearm definition of an olympic lifter, but that is beside the point. Your sheets are literally solid from semen-induced crustiness. Your tube socks contain more DNA than sweat. God knows you don’t have any underwear that are nearly close to being wearable. Please, turn off the hentai; go take a hike. Less bukkake; more basketball. Forget the Latinas; attend your lectures. We’re here for you. Pull your pants up.