Posh & prim boss: Hi there, how are you today Marco?
Marco the Sweat-drenched Serb: Sweating like a whore in church, but I’m alright.
Saddened spirit coming off a summer 9-to-5: I am going to need you all to start saying very funny things very soon.
Friend 1: Why?
Friend 2: What do you mean?
Friend 3: We’re not entertaining you enough? Is that really all we are to you…mere jesters?
Sorrowful romantic: Worst case scenario, do you think it’s better to stay single forever or revisit my past?
Sensible friend: By “revisit your past,” do you mean get back with your ex-boyfriend?
Sorrowful romantic: I didn’t say that.
Boomer mother, texting son: Hi sweetie. How’s my brilliant, Mr. Rizz doing?
Health-conscious boss: If you’re gonna take risks with your life, take it with something more exciting than cereal.
Daredevil employee, chowing on Coco Puffs: There’s nothing more exciting than cereal.
Steamy, typo-ridden erotic novel: ‘I could hear her exhaling steam.’
Concerned reader: Why was she exhaling steam? That doesn’t sound very healthy.
A humanist, shackled by BSE: I don’t have time to read Proust. I’m searching for my own lost time.
Thinks Coke Zero is better: Zero coke people are notoriously very adamant.
J.D. Vance: The Greeks were so advanced because they embraced homosexuality. But then the women ruined everything.
Over-it intern: Everyday I listen to my coworker’s homeopathy TikToks aloud.
Obsessed stalker: Tell her I miss her.
Intermediary: What about her?
Obsessed stalker: Her jokes…her thirst for hot guys…that time she ate frozen pineapple.
People-pleaser with a streak of narcissism: If people ask me to do something I am often too flattered to say no.
Voice of reason: Just make shortbread. The people will thank you for being brave.
Just declared SPIA: Athens, the land of my people.
Greek: Are you half Greek?
Just declared SPIA: No. I just believe in democracy.
Upper-class professor: What’s your plan for next year?
Upper-class senior: Probably some unserious grad program.
Upper-class professor: Well, there are plenty of those. Just make sure it’s paid. Paid grad programs are welfare for the upper class.
Millennial dudebro professor: I had a friend in high school, we called her 'Sniggles,' because she laughed with her lips closed… like… teee heeee… heee hee heee…
Robert George: The way he came up to me in a fuck ass bob and straight up asked me what kind of gay I was…it was the highlight of my night.
Aroused, yet learned academic: He’s some sort of existential masturbator.
Editor of the Nassau Weekly: My family hires Amish people because they're cheap.
11th-year grad student: The only reason we’re not insane right now is truly just a lack of imagination.
Professor recounting his weekend: I gave a little speech comparing marriage to the Soviet Gulag.
Social scientist who desperately wants to be more quantitative: I had to teach my magician friend Bayes’ Theorem to get him to learn that one.