The Illest Issue

September 29, 2011

Excess and Thrift

Last night there was an enormous raccoon prowling through the dumpsters in Wilson. The girl I was walking with recoiled, but I was sympathetic—ever since I joined the free food listserv I often feel like a nocturnal creature rummaging through … Read More

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Beach Baby

Rarely is one so revised by experience, which like a river washes away the calcified sand of the soul to describe itself there anew. Rare, too, is the ability to recognize this revision. School had just ended, its shoulder-weight just … Read More

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The Elephant of the Amazon

Now that fall has arrived, FOX news is wetting itself over the official kick-off of the 2012 campaign season and the sudden flood of the media with Republican debates. While there are many outstanding candidates, and while each has something … Read More

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Mormon Madness

Book of Mormon—the Broadway musical from the creators of South Park—opened to incredible reviews, won nine Tonys, and is so popular these days that its website suggests you should start looking for tickets for February 2012. Scalped tickets for shows … Read More

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Selling the Self

“Don’t go over there,” my friend advised. “It gets weird and religious.”

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This is Paradise

Over the last few months, whenever I told people where I was going to college, I would more often than not encounter an uncomfortable situation. While never unimpressed, my acquaintances would frequently feel the need to recognize the esteem of … Read More

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Hauntings (Woman, Boy, Body)

A Haunting (Woman, Body) His death came first as an aching in her molars, then a numbness in her sinuses, then, finally, a filling up of her dreams with something warm and sharp and spit-pink. A room full of flowers, … Read More

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Purple, Descended

We find imagination be the only defense against these leaves, fast cluttering my desk with pages I do not recognize— what beckons me to sleep and dream the silverfish that haunts my basement or looks the sounds of a smile? … Read More

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Girl Meets Pig

One of my primary goals on my family trip to China just before school started this year was to get some cool art for my room. Walking down the aisles of the antique market in Beijing, I had a feeling … Read More

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What Would Vince Do

Saying goodbye to the dirtiest of my dirty pleasures hasn’t been easy. Especially since I am a relatively clean (and some would say highly self-disciplined) person. And so my recent farewell to Entourage, HBO’s eight-season series on the glories of … Read More

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Cerebral Flatulence

William Shakespeare once wrote, “A fart by any other name would smell as stanky.” And it does: See toot, or passed gas, or broken wind, or cut cheese. Each euphemism refers to the same thing, and that thing is the … Read More

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On the Rez

Random, impromptu pop music blares from the sound system as the 2015 Clash of the Colleges commences: an unnamed administrator with a mic attempts to pump up a crowd of dazed freshmen; above, President Tilghman and co. look on as … Read More

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Verbatim

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Overheard at Ivy:

Andy Martens: Blackberries are like girls’ horcruxes.

Overheard in Frist:

Sophomore sorority girl: Is the financial crisis even a real thing? Like I feel like no one has really been affected ...

Overheard on the Street:

Freshman girl 1: What if that car just ran over us right now?
Freshman girl 2: That’d be so Regina George.

Overheard outside Studio 34:

COS major: I mean, the only thing you could really do is analyze her facial structure.

Overheard in Patton:

Senior audiophile: What happens when you keep blasting subs is that they get really floppy like a vagina.

Overheard at activities fair:

Desperate club president: Would you like to learn how to pick up girls?

Overheard on Reddit:

Internet person: I would drag my dick through a mile of brokenglass just to hear her fart through a walkie-talkie.

Overheard outside of Wilson:

Frat boy with Solo cup: Hey, should we offer these freshmen
some of our scotch?
Frat boy without Solo cup: Hey freshmen! Want some scotch?

Overheard in Whitman:

Kappa junior: I watch YouTube videos of passionate, erotic kisses. It makes me happy when I am sad.

Overheard in Whitman:

Australian girl trying to name American states: Montenegro...? Tahiti...? Chicago...?

Overheard in Orgo:

Prof. Semmelhack: If you have a long sausage interacting with another long sausage, it will be a stronger attraction.

Overheard in Dining Hall:

Sophomore Pi Phi, to frosh: I love your skirt! Have you thought of rush? You have a look I think is appropriate.

Overheard in Tower:

Tower junior: Only the less fortunate would iron their dress shirts. You’re supposed to dry clean them.

Overheard at Study Break:

Boy, to friends: I think I’m going to need to break it off with this girl. I don’t think I can handle a long- distance relationship.
Friend: Dude, she lives in Forbes.

Overheard on Mass Text:

Boy taking Jello shots: Agghhh jelly clarksin

Overheard at New Frick:

Boy: I’m going to McCosh to have my cast removed later!
Girl: They have an orthopedist there?
Boy: No, but they have a saw.