Issue Before Thanksgiving

November 18, 2004

The Annals of Princetonian Academic Lust

Bereavement can be rather grave in certain circumstances, and the loss of decorum- the circumstance I address this very instant- has its sufficient fill of seriousness.

by on

Sex in all Shapes and Sizes

Is masturbation sinful? Do women have different kinds of orgasms, depending on whether the clitoris or the vagina is stimulated?

by on

The Conversion

Truth be told, I was never the most conservative fish in the drawer, spoon in the pond, or bowling ball in the gutter.

by on

Eminem Grows Up

Since the release of “The Eminem Show” in May of 2002, a lot has happened to Marshall Mathers.

by on

Fair Ladies at a Game of Poem Cards

Those first few minutes in a murmuring, expectant theater are always slightly awkward ones…

by on

Some People Call Me Maurice

In the current issue of ESPN The Magazine, savior-turned-pariah Maurice Clarett, the starting running back on Ohio State University’s 2002 national championship football team, describes a culture of rampant academic corruption and illegal benefits at one of the nation’s most prominent football schools.

by on

Imagined Communities

On the idyllic Great Gatsby-esque campus that is Princeton, there exists a small microcosm of societal interactions and tensions. Although certainly not a true representation of the outside world…

by on

Portraits of My Father

He no longer sleeps in the bed they shared. He did for a little while, which surprised me. I would have thought her absence would have been the most palpable there, but I suppose the imprint on her pillow was the nearest thing he had to a kiss goodbye.

by on

Verbatim

More →

Overheard at Tower

Preppy liberal: All three people I know at Harvard totally suck. Except for this one guy I know from Ivy Council.

Overheard outside of Little Hall

Random Drunk Girl: If you cum on my futon, I’ll fucking kill you! Do you hear me? I’m talking to YOU! If you CUM on my FUTON, I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU!!
Joe Cermatori: Um... I don’t think I’ll be cumming on your futon any time soon.
(awkward pause)
Girl: What are you trying to say? Are you trying to say I’m ugly?
Joe Cermatori: Ummm... no....
Girl: Are you calling me UGLY?!
Joe Cermatori: No that’s not what I meant.
Girl: Listen, I don’t call you “The Rapist” to your face, do I?
Joe Cermatori: I mean, I’ve never met you in my life.
Girl: Yeah. That’s what I thought. Ya whore.

Overheard in junior seminar

Professor: Step into my snowglobe of sectarian seductiveness.
Student: What?!
Professor: Come inside my diorama of sectarian seductiveness.

Overheard just inside Terrace

Bouncer: No.
Guy 1: But I'm not a prefrosh! I'm a Tigertone!