Doctor’s Hors d’oeuvres

April 3, 2009

Dear Chantelle

Dear Chantelle, I thought you should know that I’m really mad at you. I’m also really sad. I closed all my shutters and listened to “In the End.” It’s so true: “You tried so hard and got so far/ But … Read More

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From the Editors

First Voice Message: Today, Friday, the 3rd, 4:27 a.m. — The sounds of Manhattan circa 3 a.m., most noticeably an earnestly diegetic purring. — Hey, man, I know it’s been awhile. — Palpable, nay, precocious, slurring — I’m calling to … Read More

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Living the Dream

If you’re the kind of person who treats pop music like the Plague, I’ve got news for you: You’re missing out. This March saw the release of one of the most ambitious and exhilarating albums of the year, and it’s quite defiantly pop-tastic. Certainly in its ingredients, The-Dream’s “Love Vs. Money” is no different from most other high-budget pop records. It’s filled with stuttered percussion, growling synths, and syncopated auto-tune vocals, as well as those Atlanta chants that have become a regular fixture of chart-toppers recently — you know, that slurred and drunken “ayyyy” that seems to make up the chorus of every rap single these days.

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Wondering Why?

Dear Wise Wendy,
I can’t reach the top shelf in my house, but I need to get something out of it! What do I do?
From,
Shorty with a Problem

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The Prince Was Not Happy With Our Existence

This continues a series of interviews with the paper’s founders conducted to mark thirty years of the Nass.

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Ardently, Maddeningly, Gloriously Tempted

All men lusted for the firebrand they called Flaming Tina, famed for the molten fire in her hair — and for the hot temper running fierce through the noble Scblood of Lady Valentina Kennedy. Forced into marriage with the fearsome warrior of an enemy clan, Tina vowed to use her wild beauty to gain mastery over Lord Ramsay Douglas. Women hungered to be pressed against his steely chest … and men feared the brawn and rage of Black Ram Douglas. Ram swore he would make the defiant Valentina a dutiful wife after he had broken her hellion’s pride. But the girl he set out to tame became the woman who taught him what it meant to be ardently, maddeningly, gloriously tempted.”

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“Art Comes From Art”

Morton Feldman was, it could be fairly said, the twentieth century’s most talkative composer.

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On Taillights

The 1998 Lincoln Town Car Every Lincoln Town Car manufactured from 1981 to 1997 has a functionless red strip running the length just above its rear bumper. On a highway at night, this strip is dull, unreflective and visible. In … Read More

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Verbatim

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Overheard in PHI 360

Sophomore: Socrates is my homeboy,

Overheard on Witherspoon Street

5-year-old: It's Barack Obama!
Mother: Honey, not every black man is Barack Obama. [To friend.] I guess I should expose her to more diversity.

Overheard in our Spam Folder

This is your penis: 8--o
This is your penis on drugs: 8 =====O

Overheard at Terrace

Girl: Maybe I have horrible gay-dar because I'm from Texas and no one there wears skinny jeans.

Overheard in Lewis Library

Backward Cap: Well, what other job could make you at least half a mil?
Polo Shirt: A Princeton degree does a lot for you that way.
Cap (near despair): The value is decreasing now!
Shirt: You're right. A doctor, a lawyer... I'm not sure anymore.

Overheard in our Inbox

Dear Friend,
I am Mr. Wong Tung Shun Peter Jp Non
Executive Director of the Hang Seng
Bank Ltd, Hong Kong. An Iraqi named
Haider Hanoon, a business man made a
numbered fixed deposit for 18 calendar
months, this is valued to Fourty Four
million Five Hundred Thousand United
State Dollars only in my branch. We
later found out that Haider Hanoon and
his family had been killed during the
war in Gunfire that hit their home at
Mukaradeeb where his personal oil well
was. I am prepared to place you as the
next of kin to share the money with you
in half But I first will need your help.