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Our Top 10 Top 5 Lists
Top 5 Pop Songs I Love No Matter What They Say 1) “Beautiful,” Christina Aguilera 2) “Always be My Baby,” Mariah Carey 3) “Kissed by a Rose,” Seal 4) “Crazy in Love,” Beyonce Knowles 5) “I Try,” Macy Gray Top 5 Dudes Who Had No Business Going Solo, and Whose Solo Records I Now Ignore…
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Single Kid Finalists
Will Ryan Foss, Will Wachter, or Ivana King be the Nassau Weekly’s Single Kid? Readers: the decision is in your hands.
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The Wawa Fans
Well, after being bestowed with the MVC(Most-Valued-Cashier) by the Spectator, I felt compelled to return the favor by bestowing awards on my most loyal fans. After all, where would I be without them? So without further ado and without all the fanfare of large scale expensive award ceremonies that drag on for hours on end…
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Dr. Murdoch, der Spieler
Lately, people have been asking me a lot where I’ve been for the past few days. Well it’s funny they should ask. Let me tell you, it all started when I remembered, on Thursday, that there were no new OC episodes because of some retarded baseball series on Fox. When I then realized that there…
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Will You Be My Valentine?
Porter White I believe. If Charlie Brown has his Great Pumpkin, I have my Valentine Rabbit. Annually on the lustful February V-day, the Rabbit, fluff-relative to the Tooth Fairy & Co., descends to my parents’ house and bestows enigmatic heart-shaped stickers upon plates and tumblers. Some years: holographic stickers; some: tastefully-red opaque. Why I know…
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The Tories of Spring
Schmitz’s real purpose is to marginalize 185 Nassau and a group of people who create. And how better to do this than to reduce all their striving to a simple exercise in what Edward Said terms “refinement”—the long, steady, reactionary march toward sameness, marked by a constant re-reading and emulating of a constricted Western canon.…
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Breakfast-time
At dawn she sneaks blood oranges From the grange- Land, and the seeded pulp and the climbing (where the farmers’ fence is Rough) have painted orange- Red her picking arm. For several Mornings now I’ve seen her range Her pickings in a row—the smallest smaller Than a hummingbird, the largest larger than the clock’s face…
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Fun with Oulipo
The Unknown As we know, There are known knowns. There are things we know we know. We also know There are known unknowns. That is to say We know there are some things We do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns, The ones we don’t know We don’t know. —Donald Rumsfeld, Feb. 12,…
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When I was 16, I was Hot
The first months of freshman year went by so quickly. I hooked up with the guy who became my boyfriend within days of arriving on campus, and my friends and I managed to garner the attention of what seemed like every other guy on campus. We even created a detailed 16-point hook-up scale so that…
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Muldoon, Between the Tropics
To read good poetry is to pull a Band-Aid off a wound. I heard someone say that once. Not a big wound, maybe just a paper-cut, where the skin puffs pink and new. When we remove the covering we return to our trauma, and the act is pleasurable, despite the shock. Paul Muldoon’s Horse Latitudes…
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All You Ever Wanted to Know About MMORPGs
The inspiration for this guide struck me with its +4 Fire Damage Hammer of Glor’goth when I realized just how much of the day I spend talking about MMORPGs alone, never mind playing. I cannot claim complete authority on this diverse topic, but for you, dear reader, I shall elucidate some of those peculiar things…
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A Paean to Woods and Death
On autumn Sundays my parents would fuck wildly, like children. I remember this vividly. It was November and the air had begun to turn to steel. The turn was final. Pennsylvania does this each year—dies, maybe before Halloween, maybe after, gives way to night as a jack-o-lantern collapses to mush. Mother and Father fought the…