Dear Sexpert,

If someone rims my ass am I still a virgin?

– Carnally Concerned

Dear Carnally Concerned,

Not in the eyes of Jesus, you aren’t.

Dear Sexpert,

My vibrator got lost in my birth canal when I was double clicking the mouse. It’s been three days and I still haven’t found it. I’ve gotten really worried, should I be? What do I do?

– Buzzing All Over Town

Dear Buzzing All Over Town,

What do you mean you can’t find it? The vagina is only 3 inches deep when not sexually aroused. What type of vibe are we talking here? And it’s been there for THREE DAYS?! Gross, you’re nasty. I don’t know what to tell you. Go to a doctor.

Dear Sexpert,

My friends have been telling me a lot about “internet porn.” It sounds pretty awesome but seems rather expensive, 14.99 a month is a serious commitment. Plus I don’t really know what type of porn I’d be into. Please help.

– IS the internet for porn?

Dear IS The Internet For Porn,

I’m so glad you asked this question. People all over the world have become interested in Internet porn recently. It’s quick, anonymous, and a lot easier to hide from the kids than the VHS of Dirty Debutantes 36 that you keep in the bottom drawer next to the checkbooks.

A common misconception is that pornography is an expensive luxury. In fact, in many cases pornography can be totally free! Sites like youporn, youjizz, xtube, redtube, rockettube, pornhub, megaporn, and yuvutu provide thousand of pornographic clips to stream for free. The only problem is: What to watch?

You’re concerns are completely valid. For any fetish or interest there is a whole industry of pornography based around it. My suggestion is to start with Google, an under appreciated utility in the beginning of your search for pornography. Start wherever you want, but first take off the safesearch. Look up “[insert ethinicty] girl” skip to about the 3rd page, and you’ll find nudes of these women. Do you like it? Then maybe search for videos on the above-mentioned sites of them bumping uglies with a (usually white) guy. Look at the related videos. See what happens.

If this doesn’t work, I’d suggest going to a blog like fleshbot. They have a wider variety of fetish clips and usually link to the website that they come from.

I wish you the best in your journey. It’s a long path, but wholly worth it!

Dear Sexpert,

Where is the clit? Please explain with Princeton Campus as a reference

– Searching

Dear Searching,

It’s roughly at Murray Dodge. I say this because it’s toward the northern side, it’s hidden, when you finally find it it’s really sweet, and a Cottage bro has never heard of it.

Dear Sexpert,

How long after anal should I be pooping again? It’s been, well, days.

– Praying for Rain

Dear Praying for Rain,

Well, the last time I had anal I ended up pooping on my partner and ruining my brand new 500 thread count Egyptian Cotton sheets. So there’s not a real set time. If you don’t poop in a couple of days, go to Forbes and have a cup of coffee. If that doesn’t clear your system in 15 minutes nothing will.

Dear Sexpert,

Recently I was exploring a new MSN chat “big swangers and the women who take it like champs.” I ended up cybering with a guy named Dwight. He’s 5’7, and he enjoys the beach and sexual innuendo involving cartoon characters. I enjoyed it but I don’t know if we share any interests. After all, at the time I was watching oxygen and he was enjoying ESPN. Can we build something or is this really just a silly whim? And what about that photo? Do you think he’ll ever show it?

Sincerely,

Bed Rocked

Dear Bed Rocked

You have had the pleasure of meeting my online persona. I’m glad it was as good for you as it was for me. ☺ Chat me anytime you want to, sexy girl. I can work you out! Plus I’m too honest, and too loyal, to be loosin’ and be hopeless.

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