A heroic moment in American oratory two Sundays ago, when our President rose before Congress, wiped away his crusties and spoke for longer than five minutes without utterly destroying another facet of American life. Bush emphasized his legacy as one that is pro-dream and anti-totalitarianism, urging us to consider the warning of “the late terrorist Zarqawi”: “We will sacrifice our blood and bodies to put an end to your dreams, and what is coming is even worse.” Approximately 45% of those gathered felt a cold chill, 20% shivered, and 10% clucked their tongues in dismay. The remaining 25% shrugged it off.
Unfazed by the errant quarter, Bush continued. “The Shia and Sunni extremists are different faces of the same totalitarian threat. Whatever slogans they chant, when they slaughter the innocent they have the same wicked purposes. They want to kill Americans, kill democracy in the Middle East, and gain the weapons to kill on an even more horrific scale.”
“What every terrorist fears most,” Bush archly asserted, “is human freedom.” As has been noted in personal accounts, the President’s easy-going manner makes him the quick confidante of many. It is no surprise then that even terrorists felt comfortable discussing their fears with the silver-haired Texan, as well as their dreams, hopes, and insatiable drive to cause pain.
Sources believe these terrorists may have hinted to Bush in AIM chat sessions that they were building a weapon that would not only do away with our physical bodies, but also obliterate the notions of “hope” itself. Some of these sources have gone further by suggesting that knowledge of the existence of such a weapon might be used strategically by the Republican Party as part of an “October surprise” designed to undermine the likely Democratic candidate Barack Obama’s audacious platform. Other facets of the October surprise include the revelation that hopes can often be dashed. This surprising assertion will be backed up through the recounting of a story about a real-life student named Bill in Ohio, who really hoped that he would get an A on his Chemistry exam, but still ended up getting a lousy C minus.
President Bush gave no hint of this animosity in his address, however, congratulating the Democratic Party on its majority position and noting how pleased he was that Nancy Pelosi continues to be a woman, despite the fact she is Speaker of the House. His attitude was refreshingly kind and compassionate throughout his address. At one point, he even stepped into America’s shoes and chided us gently about our flagging patience for and our profound disappointment in the reality of this egregiously mishandled war. “Every one of us wishes this war were over and won,” said Bush, looking quite dapper in his pale blue silk tie, “Yet it would not be like us to leave our promises unkept, our friends abandoned, and our own security at risk.” America begrudgingly agreed with the President. Tim Smith of Easton, MD rolled his eyes and sighed, “Yeah, I mean I’m no asshole. I just wish…Nevermind. It’s fine. No, really, it’s fine. No, if you want to stay in the war I do too. You’re not forcing me, I really want to.” Privately, Smith sang another tune, mouthing “So annoying” behind Bush’s back.
Smith admits his ego was bruised when Bush pointed out Dikembe Mutombo and Julie Aigner-Clark for their special commitment to “heroic kindness, courage, and self-sacrifice”.
“When he started talking about our special and generous character, I thought for sure I would get a mention. What does Mutombo do? Play basketball. Whatever. It’s so biased. But I guess it’s because he’s from some place in Africa. What with Barack Obama, everybody’s going koo-koo for cocoa puffs.” When asked if he was referring to Black people as “cocoa puffs”, Smith merely mumbled incoherently and turned bright red.
It occurs to the writer that she has just written an article on the State of the Union address from last year. She would revise her previous comments, but she is tired, and pretty sure it was basically the same thing.