Overheard at Frist Campus Center

He must have been really drunk if he admitted that he was a Mormon.

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Overheard in Brown

Girl 1: How much semen is on that futon?
Girl 2: Well, as far as I’m concerned, mean people suck and nice people swallow, and I’m a nice girl.

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Overheard in Terrace

Do you want me to eat Cheez-Whiz out of your asshole or not?

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Overheard in Frist

I’m sort of disturbed by the fact that he uses my computer to look at porn. I know he wasn’t masturbating, but one day he’s just going to snap and I’ll come home to find nut all over my screen.

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Overheard on Witherspoon

Guy 1: So, how goes your attempt to adopt a heterosexual lifestyle?
Guy 2: Well, I scratched my nuts, and then I smelled my fingers.
Guy 1: Wow. Six minutes in and you’ve pretty much got everything covered.

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Overheard in POL 366 precept

Professor Seegers: Have you ever been west of the Mississippi?
Student: How far west is the Mississippi? Oh wait, I’ve been to California.

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Overheard in Little

I hate dill pickles but I love penises.

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Overheard at Cheerleading

It’s harder to keep your legs together than you thought, isn’t it?

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Prof. Gould, EEB 311 (Animal Behavior)

This is one of my personal favorites, the bearded tit.

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Overheard in the Cloister Dining Room

So what’s the difference between a Kappa and a Theta?
I dunno...um...like, forty pounds?

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Prof. Doran in NES 201 precept

Oh, I see. ‘Between them’ doesn’t necessarily mean the earth and sky are having sex. That’s just the way my mind works, I guess.

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Overheard in Blair

He’s like you, only European.
He’s not like me; I have a sense of humor.
That’s what I meant by ‘European’.

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Overheard in Terrace

I really want to catch a groundhog and release it in Cottage. But they’d probably just think it was a Chinese kid and beat it up.

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Overheard at Charter

The dining room at Tower looks like that place that white trash go for their b-days.
You mean Sizzler?
Is that what it’s called?

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Overheard from a sorority girl

I don’t know why my boyfriend just can’t get over it. I mean, Jesus forgave Mary Magdaline when she slept around!

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Overheard in 1901

I dunno, I think my smoking crack rock is worse than you being a cheerleader.

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Overheard in Brown

You live in a single, what do you mean you don’t have any hand lotion?

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Sophmore yelling at his pre-frosh in Hamilton

Dude, that’s my box you’re peeing in!

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Overheard in Frist at 1:30 a.m.

Will you all stop being fucking nose pirates and go to bed, goddammitt?

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Overheard in 1903

Dude, I think if you got your butthole pierced, it would feel good.

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Overheard in 1903

Would you let Michael Jordan suck your dick?
A mouth’s a mouth, even if it is Michael Jordan’s.

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Prof Nabokov in Ant 201

I’m always a little grumpy when I have to come back to New Jersey.

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Overheard in Pyne Bathroom

Girl 1: I really liked him, but when he was drunk he kept trying to rape me!
Girl 2: Well, at least he wasn’t trying to rape anyone else.

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Professor Amy Borovoy, ANT 390

See you on Thursday for our cockfight.

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Overheard outside the Art Museum

Doesn’t Islamic law say you get 67 virgins if you die in holy war?

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